Girlfriend: Aw, you’re so sweet baby. There’s no one I’d rather be with.
Boyfriend: Jessica?! Who is this guy and why are you in my bed with him?
Ethel Merman bursts into the room, wearing a pink ball gown.
Ethel Merman: HELLOOOooooOOOO!!
Pastor: We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a great man–
Ethel Merman sits straight up in the coffin.
Ethel Merman: HELLooooOOOO, RUDY!!!
She looks around, realizing it’s a funeral.
Ethel Merman: I am so sorry for your loss.
Child: Where did Uncle Jack go?
Officiant: Does anyone object to this union? Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Man: I’ve loved you since high school, Cheryl. I could never find the courage to say that until right this moment.
Ethel Merman bursts into the room, wearing a wedding dress.
Ethel Merman: HELLOOOOOO, divorce papers!!
Judge: The jury hereby finds the defendant guilty on all charges, including arson, battery, and assault with a deadly weapon–
Ethel Merman bursts into the courtroom, wearing an orange jumpsuit.
Ethel Merman: Well, hellOOOOO, HARRY!
Boyfriend (on Zoom): And then I would kiss you again, and…
Girlfriend (on Zoom): Keep going!
Ethel Merman bursts into the Zoom meeting, wearing clown shoes.
Ethel Merman: HELLOOOOOO, orgasm!!!
Cashier: I’m sorry ma’am, but this card was declined. Do you have another one I can try?
Customer: That’s my only card. I could have sworn it wasn’t overdrawn…
Ethel Merman pops up from behind a stack of Granny Smith Apples, wearing a reusable Whole Foods shopping bag.
Ethel Merman: HELLOOOOOO, Wells Fargo customer service hotline!!!
Mohel: Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us concerning circumcision.
Ethel Merman bursts into the room, wearing a yarmulke and prayer shawl.
Ethel Merman: Well, hellOOOOOOO, THERAPY!!!
Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @bobbien_