Valentines for America’s Most Beloved Sexual Predators

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching and so many winsome men dominating the news cycle, are you struggling to find the right card to give that special predator? #MeToo – but never fear! Since Time’s (almost) Up, I sat down to personalize Valentines for some* of our country’s favorite sexual predators so you don’t have to.**


Louis C.K.

Roses are red

“Apologies” are blew

You’re a real jerk-off

Thanks for admitting it’s true


Aziz Ansari

Babe, they say you’re more Don Wrong than Don Juan…

But how could the guy who wrote the book on Modern Romance be such a Master of None?


Mario Batali

Damn sugar buns, you know how to make a half-baked apology still taste sweet!



Al Franken

It’s complicated. Congress with you makes me wet… the only problem is picturing us together.


Charlie Rose

I love a man who reveals his naked truth – in your case: the more seemly the rose, the bigger the prick. 😉


Donald Trump

Not even a wall could come between us, my piddling pussy-grabber-in-chief. <|3


Russell Simmons

I fondly remember our times of sweet music together, but now your beats got me like Run-SVU!



Woody Allen

Manhattan daddy and his daughter, sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

First comes love, then comes marriage,

Still darling auteur evades Oscars disparage!


Bill Cosby

Help me, Dr. Huxtable! You’re so (Spanish) fly, it makes my heart race and my memory blank.



Kevin Spacey

On a scale of 1-10, I wish your dick was in that box at the end of Seven.


Harvey Weinstein

Boy, are you a nuclear waste facility? Because it’s not safe to be around you.


Matt Lauer

You hold the key to my heart AND the button that locks this office. OH MY GOD PLEASE LET ME OUT OF HERE HELP!!!!!!!!!!


*Haha, is EVERY man in Hollywood an SP?! I’m running out of decorative paper..

**Actually no guarantees. These fellas are famous for disavowing consent… LOL, what a bunch of roguish scamps!