If Men Talked About Their More Successful Wives the Way Women Talk About Their Incredibly Average Husbands

We matched on Hinge. He didn’t message me for two weeks, so obviously I was super intrigued. We started talking, and I found out he’s an accountant who failed high school algebra three times.

CARTOON: Beach Hang

Enjoy the sand between your toes and other places. Today's cartoon by Peter Kleinman.

Romance Novels for Second Amendment Lovers

Bobby hardly ever took Betty out anymore. There just didn’t seem to be much point. Whenever he did, she was cold and stiff, her buttstock unyielding. Thanks to the Supreme Court, it was perfectly legal to open carry a long gun around New York City, but people still stared at Betty and made rude comments.

Exciting New Nail Polish Colors for Spending Your Valentine’s Day Home Alone!

Bold Red Alone in Bed with Snacks and “Jane Eyre” on Netflix, the Michael Fassbender One, Berry Naughty Thoughts About Michael Fassbender, Sexy Fishnet Stalkings of Michael Fassbender’s Full Frontal Pics Online, and more!

CARTOON: Literate Love

Get between some (book) covers. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines

Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.

Our Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe Menu Does NOT Allow for Substitutions, Because YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO IT 

Root Vegetable Salad: Artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and heart-shaped beet carpaccio. You promised to eat this salad when you made the reservation; that’s a public covenant we take very seriously. Do these veggies go well together? They should. But going well together takes effort. 

Trump No Longer President? Here’s 50 Things To Stress You Out Instead

Instagram notifying someone when you screenshot their story, Accidentally liking someone’s Instagram photo from six years ago, Accidentally liking your ex’s photo on Instagram from six seconds ago, and more!

Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won't Wear Masks During a Pandemic 

Go on lots of walks alone in the woods. Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular. Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary. And more.

Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom-coms!

Carrying a Tiki Torch For You: Small town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while protesting the removal of a Confederate statue and sparks fly—literally, from their flaming tiki torches! Kirk falls fast for Allie, but in order to save the family hardware store, Kirk has already agreed to marry an Harvard-educated lady lawyer who voted for Hillary. Can Kirk find a way to save the store, be with the woman he loves, and maybe even lock up his fiancée?

Danielle Steel Chats With Guys On Hinge

[ALEXANDER liked DANIELLE’S photo, captioned “Sourdough-re-me.”] ALEXANDER: Was it light, fluffy, and soft to the touch? DANIELLE: Talk gluten to me, dammit!

Romantic E-Cards for the Pandemic

Let those quaran-crushes know how you feel!

Awkward Moments for Ethel Merman to Burst Into the Room Singing "Hello Dolly"

Boyfriend (on Zoom): And then I would kiss you again, and…Girlfriend (on Zoom): Keep going! (Ethel Merman bursts into the Zoom meeting, wearing clown shoes.) Ethel Merman: HELLOOOOOO, orgasm!!!

CARTOON: Puzzle Love

Puzzling Love. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine's Day Lovesick Edition

I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I'm sure that you know this one... yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs.... my heart!


Love at first fright. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.


Dongs and Bongs, Weed harmony, Stumble, and more #StonerDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

Hallmark Hanukkah Movies

Menorah or Less: Investment banker Ilan loses his money, his apartment, and his girlfriend when his firm goes under. He takes a job at a meal-delivery service where a late-night order for a pastrami sandwich leads him to Hannah who needs help saving her startup.

Casting Call for the Supporting Role of Boyfriend - Apply via Submittable

To apply, carefully read and complete all sections (A-F) below. Submissions should be free of spelling and grammar errors. Submissions should also be free of your unsolicited commentary on the “super uptight” requirements for landing this role. 

CARTOON: Star-Popped Lovers

The static electricity between these two is incredible! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

CARTOON: Abracadabra!

Amazingly made her attraction disappear! Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

CARTOON: Trump Valentine

Are you tired? Because you've been Russian around my head all day. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

New Dating Rules For The Apocalypse

Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.

I’ll Never Forget When I First Saw You (on Tinder While I Was Pooping)

Some say romance is dead. I myself had all but given up on love. Then I saw you. I’ll never forget it: I was sitting on the toilet as my bowels evacuated, mindlessly swiping away on Tinder, when you appeared on the screen.

An Open Letter from the Giant Teddy Bear You Received Last Valentine's Day

Dear Roxanne,   It’s me again. 337 days, Roxanne. It’s…

Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Lies

  “I’ll love you forever.” In cosmic terms, a human…

Valentines for America's Most Beloved Sexual Predators

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching and so many winsome men…

Ernest Hemingway's Fifty Ways To Drive Your Man Wild In Bed

Editor's note: Quite a few of Ernest Hemingway’s early short…