Ask Dr. Kit: Pup Smear – Veterinary Queries

Dearest Doctor Kit…    I’m the proud owner of a fire-belly newt named Libby.   I’ve noticed recently that poor little Libby has what appears to be a mid-sized boil of sorts on her back.   Is this normal?   And regardless, what should be done about this boil?

Nuts About Newts

Dear Nuts…   You’re trying to get me to use the phrase, “you should drain your lizard”.   And I’m not going to do it.   Nope.   Please discontinue this nonsense.

Hello Dr. Kit…   I am a collector of rare and unique birds, and just recently added a Indian Ringneck Parakeet to my extensive collection.   One of the reasons that this particular bird is so unique is that he once belonged to television personality Alan Thicke, and spent many years in his home.    Unbeknownst to me, most of those years were spent in the same section of Thicke’s home that also contained podcasting equipment that was used to record his penile-enhancement infomercial podcast, “Keeping It Thick With Thicke”.    This new bird is constantly repeating the name of the podcast over and over and over, and for some reason particularly when I have girlfriends over to my home.    These ladies typically appear at once horrified and amused, and my dating life has suffered greatly since purchasing this bird!   Do you have any advice that could possibly help me with this problem?

Been Given The Bird

Sorry to hear about your problems, Given.    I’ll think about it for a bit, and see what I can figure out.   In the meantime, where exactly are these podcasts of Mr. Thicke’s?   I can’t seem to find them online.

Hi Doctor Kit…   How’s it going?    I’m one of those people who bought a pet rock back in the 70’s.   Even though it was clearly a fad in perspective, I’ve enjoyed the company of my pet rock (Tangerine Dreamer) over the years, and have come to love him.    He’s getting on in years, though, and I realize that pets aren’t meant to live forever.   Can you recommend any pain-free methods of putting him to sleep?

Between A Rock And A Heart Place

Dear Rockhead…   Sure, of course!   And thank you for being a responsible pet owner.     My suggestion is to toss the rock off of a nearby cliff, following a kind word or two about your friend.    Please don’t forget to tie the end of a rope around the rock, and the other end around your neck.

Hey there Doctor Kit!    I’ve been thinking of adopting a ferret, as I keep finding toddler outfits at local garage sales, but don’t have any kids to play dress up with.    However, I keep reading that ferrets are a playful lot and will quite often hide their owner’s keys.   Is this true?   Because I’d need to then adopt a dog, in order to train him to find the hidden keys, and I’m allergic to dogs.   What should I do, Doctor Kit??

Grin and Ferret

Dear Grin…   Are you hoping that I’ll suggest that you adopt both a ferret and a dog, so that you can wait and see if they’ll try to have sex with each other?   If you’re going to do that, just do it and leave me out of it!   I get this same disturbing letter from you at least every other week, please stop bothering me!

Dear Doctor Kit…   Are black cats really bad luck?    And doesn’t that seem a bit racist to you?    I like to be progressive in most of my life choices (“woke”, if you will), and so am considering adopting several black cats, but don’t want to invite supernatural forces into my life just by doing so.

Black Cats’ Nine Lives Matter

Dear Black Cat…    I have a black cat, and I also have this job where I have to answer letters like this one.  Does that answer your question?

Dear Doctor Kit…   Last week I took my terriers by a local pet groomer’s, and only because I was in a big hurry on that particular day, asked the dog groomer if she could take a moment to quickly shave my back as well.    Now I’ve been banned from the dog grooming place!    Would you happen to have an idea as to how I might solve this admittedly “hairy” dilemma?

Can’t Go “Back” To The Groomer

Dear Back Groomer…    Great question!    I’d say take your dogs along the next time you visit your regular back-shaving boutique.    They’ll typically give them a trim for a slight upcharge.    Although sometimes not a popular stance, I actually prefer the large chain places, like Wax Backs, or Fur Cure even.    But small mom and pop back shaving places are usually pretty good as well, and appreciate your business.

Dear Doctor Kit…   Just the other evening, I flew into a drug-induced psychotic rage and killed my entire family with my pet rock.  Should I do the right thing and put him down humanely?

Rock and a Hard Place, Moist Grunt, Oklahoma

Dear Rockhead…  What kind of sick monster are you??   Pets are part of your family, guy!!  Some mild crate training should do the trick.

Dear Dr. Kit…  My rambunctious terrier Watson is typically up to shenanigans, quite often to the delight of visiting friends.  A true crowd pleaser is when Watson will suddenly begin to fervently hump a garden gnome that I have displayed in my back yard!   Totally innocent fun, right?  I thought so too until one recent evening while letting Watson into the backyard to do his bathroom business:  carefully and quietly sneaking into my backyard was my neighbor Ethan, who I should mention is a little person, dressed like a garden gnome!  He was able to stand perfectly still and allow Watson to hump him, until I managed to shake myself out of horrific disbelief and chase him back over the fence!
I don’t know what to do about this!  Can you help, please??

Gnome Raider, Applecore, Nebraska

Dear Gnome…  In my expert opinion, you need to have your neighbor neutered as soon as is possible.  You don’t need to do it yourself, of course, although that would be much less expensive.

Dear Dr Kit…  When this pandemic quarantine first began, my dog Lester seemed to be beside himself with joy at having me at home every day.   But as the days turn into weeks, his enthusiasm seems to wither.  In fact, he has begun to drag my work briefcase to the front door of my apartment each morning.   What can I do to discourage this odd behavior?

K9 to 5, Gristle Vista, AR

Dear K9er…  Man, I have no idea, to be honest.  My wife has been acting in a similar way since the quarantine began.  LOL, just kidding!  As regular readers of this column know, my wife left me years ago.