Biblical Curriculum Ideas for Oklahoma Public School Teachers

Oklahoma has just six spots to go be ranked 50th in public education in the United States. And fifty out of fifty is 100%!

Not to be outdone by Louisiana’s requirement to violate the Constitution by posting the Ten Commandments in public school classrooms, the Oklahoma superintendent of public education announced in June 2024 that every classroom will have a Bible, and every course in grades five through twelve will include lessons from the Bible.

If you are a teacher who needs some ideas about how to incorporate the Bible into public school instruction—which, let’s admit it, is a fucking stupid policy so no wonder you don’t know what to do—well, we’ve got you covered.

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Social Studies

• Okay, students, let’s say next year, when you’re fourteen, you give birth to a girl child, and you just don’t like her. What to do?! Don’t worry: Leviticus tells you how to sell her into slavery! Slavery must be okay; the Bible doesn’t say it is wrong.

• Who said the superintendent is a White Christian Nationalist? Pshah. There are no white people in the Bible!

Health

• Are you experiencing leprosy? Blindness? Here, touch my cloak. No, lower.

• Mental health crisis? Do you live on a farm? Awesome! Just send your demons into your pigs and drown them! Problem solved. We just won’t tell PETA, okay? Or the American Psychiatric Association.

Government

• According to the Bible, we are not supposed to be having this lesson today. Jesus says to keep religion out of government: “Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and render unto God the things that are God’s” (Matthew 22:21); “My kingdom is not of this world” (John 19:36). So, besides violating the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment of the Constitution, the Oklahoma superintendent of public education is requiring us to teach from the Bible, in opposition to what the Bible says we should do. What a moron! When you turn 18, don’t vote for morons. Class dismissed.

Foreign Language

• In this class we’ll be learning Aramaic, the language spoken by Jesus and his disciples. No, sorry, this won’t enable you to read the New Testament in the original. It was written in Greek, a language the Apostles didn’t speak. And it was written a long time after the events supposedly happened, too. I guess some people just kinda made it up. Anyway, back to Aramaic.…

Math

• The Bible says that pi, the ratio of a circle’s diameter to its circumference, is exactly 3. (In 2 Chronicles 4:2, for example, it describes a cauldron as having a diameter of 10 cubits and a circumference of 30.) But other ancient peoples, including the Egyptians and the Babylonians, had much better estimates, within 1% of the correct value. So, don’t use the Bible for learning math, kids!

Physics

• Yes, it is true that the Bible doesn’t mention gravity. Or electricity. Or magnetism. Or thermodynamics. Or atoms. Or stars, galaxies, black holes, light speed, supernovas, or the acceleration of the expansion of the universe. The folks who wrote it didn’t know anything, really. Here’s a funny example, right here in Joshua 10:13, where it says the Sun stopped its motion around the Earth! We know the Earth orbits the Sun, so that’s false. In other words, the Bible contains falsehoods. If it contains falsehoods, the Bible certainly isn’t “all true”! Let’s get back to talking about real stuff.

Biology

• Got a little mud? Or a spare rib? Make a human! Yeah, that’s it. Is there a question, Timmy? How did it happen? You shut your dirty atheist mouth! Go to the office right now!

• Look, we know that heredity, variation, differential selection through competition for scarce resources, plus deep time, are enough to explain the diversity of lifeforms on Earth. Yes, comparative anatomy, embryology, virology, cladistics, fossil evidence, DNA evidence, biogeography, and so many more fields, all make it seem obvious that evolution by natural selection is a real thing. But that’s the Devil tempting you. Just kidding! Only idiots say that.

• Grapes, yeast, time, hey presto! We made wine, just like Jesus did. Now drink up, the semester is almost over.

Chemistry

• Okay, OK, I’ve got nothing for this one. Don’t blame me, alright? The Bible was written thousands of years before humans invented science, so it is not my fault its authors had no fucking clue what matter is or how chemistry works. Wait! Salt is a chemical. Talk about the pillar of salt, or something. Whew.

Shop Class

• So, you know Jesus was a carpenter, right? Cool. Today, the lesson is to build your own crosses. Cut those beams in two, then attach them across the middle. No, don’t worry about sanding them smooth: The people who use crosses are not supposed to be comfortable. Hey! Those nails are not for your hands, Ricky! Jesús, come over here for a minute, would you? Stretch out your arms like this….

Physical Education

• All right, everyone! Pick up those crosses you made and give me ten laps. Go! (Whips for centurions—er, coaches—are optional.)