Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet
Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching Blossom. Don’t be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!
When, not if, you catch your puppet humping another of your stuffed toy animals, be sure not to shame him. But at the same time, do not make any attempt to feign acceptance by joining in. You will also need to completely burn the rug that was the site of the incident, however. Burn it to nothing, then burn it some more.
Listen, your puppet is an immortal evil trapped within the body of a toy, NOT a Halloween decoration. Please do not seat the little fella on your porch to spook the kids during trick or treat on Halloween night. It’s insensitive to your puppet, and he’ll probably tell the children a few jokes that will end up having you investigated by the Neighborhood Home Owner’s Association, so please try to resist the urge.
If appearing on a red carpet accompanied by your puppet, do not attempt to upstage your wooden wingman by hiding him behind you. The devil can certainly understand the lustful desires of craving the limelight, but humiliating a demon, even a lowly demon possessing a child’s toy, could shake the foundation of Hades itself and cause the Amateur Podcasting Award to go to someone much less deserving.
Listen, I realize that you don’t really like tattoos. You think that they’re trashy and unappealing. That’s okay! But understand, the pentagram on your puppet’s chest isn’t a tattoo. It’s a sigil, a magically powerful inscription that is keeping the demon at bay, and trapped within the body of your puppet. If you remove the “tattoo”, the demon will be unleashed, and will more than likely rip your body to shreds within a matter of seconds. Although if you decide to do it on the front porch of your ex-girlfriend’s house, that could be funny.
You may be surprised to learn that it is okay, and even encouraged, for you to blow pot smoke into the face of your puppet. The pleasant, soothing high will greatly improve his personality and attitude. This will admittedly lead to your demon getting a major case of the munchies, so best to hide your wife’s stash of unused feminine hygiene products.
Most importantly of all, just have fun with the little guy! But if you wake up in the middle of the night with his tiny hand half-way up your bottom, that’s definitely cause for a time out.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
