Top Reasons Cited For Not Showing Up To The January 6th Committee

Had “a thing.”

Can’t stop refreshing for updates on the Disney+ spinoff series “Tiana”

Couldn’t read the subpoena due to darkness inside Charles Koch’s rectum.

Parent-teacher meeting for Nestor

Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr 

Previously scheduled menage-a-trois with Lauren Boebert and an AR-15

“Whah, I jest don’t have a thing to wear!”

Accompanying Q Shaman on a vision quest to white 1950s suburbia

A Case of the Mondays

“Read it for yourself – it’s not until January 6th, right?”

Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions

Going to a crowded indoor event during a pandemic is risky, suddenly.

“I have a note from my doctor/talk radio host.”

“Heh-heh, you said ‘poena.”