Christmas Song Lyrics that Go Hard to Sell You a New or Preowned Vehicle
“It’s Christmas time, and there’s no need to be afraid…” of this 2001 Ford Taurus! Rated two thumbs-up by both of our mechanics, this beaut would almost certainly pass state inspection if our state had one. But we don’t, whew. Ha ha!
“Christmas comes this time each year.” But these truck bargains WON’T LAST.
“We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hyundai Sonata in your driveway ASAP. A giant red velvet bow will cover most of the hail damage. (Bow sold separately.)
“O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, much pleasure doth thou bring me!” Now get down to our lot to slap a tree atop thee’s new-to-thou preowned vehicle.
“There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago.” Listen, our last good holiday season was pre-pandemic, when Santa brought the Xbox that later died from overuse during e-learning. Black Friday was a bust for the third year in a row. My kid needs orthodontia. Help a family out?
“Rockin’ around the…” steering wheel! On TikTok, I’m slashing prices and making sweet dance moves that embarrass my children. “Everyone dancing merrily in the new old fashioned way!” Watch me go live beside your shiny next ride. Made you look!
“Baby, it’s cold outside,” and almost all of our vehicles have working heaters. “What’s the sense in hurtin’ my pride?” I am literally begging like a dog. A cute lil puppy. Woof! Take me home from the shelter, by which I mean, ‘Buy a car.’ Chuck, play the Sarah McLachlan Christmas album in the showroom.
“Gone away is the blue bird, here to stay is the new bird.” Hi, folks, me again. I’m the new bird. I got this costume at Mascots R Us. The tiger costume fit better, but there aren’t any Christmas songs about tigers, are there? I wish there were. This suit itches and smells like cheese. Anyway, folks, let me tell you the gift that’s exactly the right size: Twelve-month same-as-cash zero interest financing. Cheap cheap cheap!
“It’s not Christmas without Grandma/All the family’s dressed in black/And we just can’t help but wonder/Should we open up her gifts/Or send them back?” Just sayin’, if that lady was in a four-door Buick sedan instead of walking home from your house on Christmas Eve, you wouldn’t have to ask this question. I mean, honestly.
“And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again.” Right? After months of begging for operable video games AND straight teeth, they drove me—uh, you—crazy. Now it’s time to drive ‘em back to school in your almost-new minivan! Come down today, and I’ll throw in reindeer antlers and a wreath for the grill.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.” Please just buy a car or three. They make great gifts, and we’ve got those nice bows. (Sold separately.)
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Sarah Layden’s humor writing appears in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Points in Case, Monkeybicycle, Slackjaw, and elsewhere. She is the author of a novel, Trip Through Your Wires, and a flash fiction chapbook, The Story I Tell Myself About Myself. She lives in Indianapolis, and teaches creative writing at IUPUI. Find her online at www.sarahlayden.com.
