College Tour Script Mad Libs

Hi everybody! We’re in our academic quad, in front of [name of alumni robber baron] Hall. At [name of college], we have a [general education, open, or inscrutable higher education buzzword salad] curriculum. But we have fun courses, too, like when my roommate took [Psychology, Philosophy, or Physics] of [AI, marketing, or patriarchal settler colonialism] and [Taylor Swift, sex toys, or Taylor Swift and sex toys].

 

See that construction area? That’s going to be our exciting new, state-of-the-art [Neuro-, Computer, or Pseudo-] Science building! It will be completed in [number 7-9] years, meaning it won’t be ready before you graduate (unless, parents, you’ve got in the seven figures to donate, in which case, please contact [name of college fundraising director], and [your child, your children, or all members of your extended family in perpetuity] will be automatically admitted).

 

Here’s Central Dining Hall, formerly [name of Purdue Pharma executive, name of enslaver, or Jeffrey Epstein] Hall. Our meal plan is simple: You get [number 10-20] swipes every [number 6-10] days, to use between the hours of [number 5-9] AM and [number 4-9] PM, except for [day of week, Catholic feast days, and/or moon phase], when the hours are [number 8-11] AM to [number 6-10] PM, or days when the dining hall is closed, on [day of week, state holidays, and/or the month of Ramadan]. Unscheduled blackout dates apply. You also get [number 50-200] [college mascot, capitalized] [synonym for money starting with same letter as university mascot, also capitalized], which can be used at [name of a la carte campus eatery, off-campus eatery, and/or local tanning salon]. How’s the food? Let’s just say everyone I know has a [popcorn popper, dorm-room fridge, or personal relationship with their Uber Eats driver].

 

Check out our brand-new [number 10-60] million-dollar athletic facility! We have [number 20-30] intercollegiate sports teams. We know you won’t be on one of them, because real athletes get individual tours involving [rich faculty boosters, cross-campus golf cart racing, or a trip to a local strip club]. But we love to cheer on our [plural of avian raptor, mammalian predator, euphemistic replacement for a racist variation of “Native American,” or, at Florida State, “Seminoles”]! Many of us also enjoy playing or watching intramural sports. At [name of college], our favorite intramural sport is [team, co-ed, or campus-wide] [water, ultimate, or to-the-death] [polo, quidditch, or ax-throwing]. I watched my first-year roommate play once. Which, given what happened, is a good time to mention that we also have a student-led [violent conflict de-escalation club, EMT program, or mortuary society].

 

[Most, around half, or nearly none] of [name of college] students get to live on campus in these dorms, where they love the [apartment-style living, rooftop lazy river, or opportunities to run experiments on the mold growing in their bathrooms]. Moving along!

 

Let’s talk campus life. We’re now by “[fraternity, sorority, or death] row.” But you don’t need to be among the [number 10-90] percent of the student body in a [fraternity, sorority, or goth cult] to feel like you belong! At [name of college], we’re all part of the [name of college mascot] community. My favorite tradition is, every [college founder’s birthday, last day of spring classes, or ongoing international liberal cause célebre], at the center of campus we have a [bonfire, enormous bouncy house, or student-built shanty town], followed by a [snowball fight, water-balloon fight, or brutal crackdown on all campus dissent]. Only at [name of college]!

 

This blue light is part of our campus security system. Or, it was, before [state budget cuts, enrollment decreases, or campus police got tired of responding to 3 AM calls from drunk frat boys trying to order pizza]. Now, you use your own phone to call campus police from anywhere on campus. Except the [compass direction] half of campus, which is in a reception desert.

Now that we’re at the end of the tour, it’s time for me to answer the question, why did I come to [name of college]? Well, mostly because [I’m a fourth-generation [cutesy name students call themselves], the only way I could afford college was with the tuition discount because my mother has toiled here as an hourly janitor for 20 years, or it was the only place I got in]. But also, every day I feel like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz: There’s no place like [name of college]!