We Are Denying You Admittance To This University Because Your Senior Prank Was So Lame
To Mr. David Morgan,
It is with both remorse and disdain that we, the admissions at Wilhearst University, write you this letter. Each year, thousands of qualified candidates apply for admittance to our fine university. Through an in-depth analysis of student grades, extracurriculars, writing samples, and other criteria; we work tirelessly to admit students that we feel exemplify the spirit of the Wilhearst Walrus. In November, the admissions team was steadfast in their belief that you, Mr. Morgan, were “Wilhearst material,” given your sterling academic work and your involvement with the drama club. However, we have no choice but to revoke our offer and deny you admittance to our university having recently learned about the lame-ass student pranks you tried to pull on your last day of high school.
One of our favorite quotations here at Wilhearst is “the mind of a true creative never rests.” This adage can be found throughout campus on various buildings and promotional materials. We encourage all of our students to try to embody this mantra at all times, as creativity is inherent in the Wilhearst experience. So with that aphorism in mind, you can only imagine how disappointed our team was to see that hackneyed senior prank you tried to pull with your buddy Jeff. We just can’t figure out why you thought that these small time and half-assed attempts at teenage rebellion were going to get the job done? You could have just done one significant thing like creating a Slip N’ Slide down the mathematics hallway or Saran wrapping the entrance to the teacher’s lounge so nobody could get in. But no! Instead of doing a singular prank that people might actually find quasi-memorable, you and your buddy Jeff decided to do a couple of little baby pranks that amounted to nothing. And Mr. Morgan, we do not allow babies to study at our university.
With a decision of this magnitude, we would be remiss if we didn’t give specifics as to why we’ve decided to revoke your admission and permanently bar you from Wilhearst for the remainder of time in memorium. For the first prank, you decided to T.P. school property. Honestly, that’s not a bad place to start! But as opposed to setting your sights high with the aging Oak near the auditorium or the massive Maple next to the staff parking lot, you used an entire roll of toilet paper on the Italian Cypress tree that the kindergartners had planted just the week before. Standing a mighty 12 inches, your hilarious toilet papering nearly brought the tree down on itself. Had the tree fallen, the damage would not just have been to the roots underground, but also to the hearts and minds of the children who planted it. Also, according to reports, it took Mr. Matheny, the janitor, like two seconds to clean up. That’s pretty weak sauce!
But alas, this wasn’t the lamest prank you pulled that day, no sir. The coupe de grace in your memorable high school career was you and Jeff manually changing the times on every clock in the school. Now this would have been an interesting idea 30 years ago. Yes, in a world where every student didn’t have an electric computer in their pocket, that also told time, and that everyone wasn’t looking at every second of every day, this prank might have played. But, Mr. Morgan, David, it’s 2023. Did you really think that every student, teacher, and faculty member in the school would immediately assume that the collective time(s) on every single one of their cellphones was wrong? Or might it have made more sense for them to assume (as they did) that the school clocks were just slightly off that day and that they would dismiss students regardless of what the clocks on the wall said? Also, you guys turned the clocks back 15 minutes meaning that your momentous end of high school prank was to spend even more time at school that day then was needed. What a bad boy!
So Mr. Morgan, it is because of these feeble prank attempts and half-witted attempts at comedy that we’re revoking your admittance to Wilhearst. We wish you the best of luck in your continued pursuits at academia and humor, though we would recommend that you try to keep the two separate for the remainder of your days on earth.
The Wilhearst University Admissions Team
Adam Dietz is a writer and the host of the Home Improvement (the sitcom) podcast “Home Impodcast.” His work has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Slackjaw, and The Art of Autism. He lives in Milwaukee with his partner and their two cats.