The 2024 University of Phoenix Valedictorian Speech, Presented By Draft Kings

My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I’m honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. I am excited for us to leave this Zoom meeting with our heads held high, knowing that we are the next generation of thinkers and doers. 

That’s A Party School 

My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.

A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page

OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom

CARTOON: College Admissions

Hope they teach creative accounting. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

We Are Denying You Admittance To This University Because Your Senior Prank Was So Lame 

We encourage all of our students to try to embody this mantra at all times, as creativity is inherent in the Wilhearst experience. So with that aphorism in mind, you can only imagine how disappointed our team was to see that hackneyed senior prank you tried to pull with your buddy Jeff.

We Aren’t Coddling Our Gen Z Students, but They Think Your Class Is Too Hard, so You’re Fired

The University takes the success of our students very seriously. Especially the success of students who grew up getting trophies for losing. Now, we’ve gotten word that many students are distressed over the difficulty of your Organic Chemistry course. So do you mind handing in your Faculty ID? We simply can’t have you failing students who don’t deserve to pass.

The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes

As a new variant that first chartered a COVID wave less than a year ago, I can not believe how quickly we’ve risen. I know our founders, Selfishness and Recklessness, would be feverish with pride. But that doesn’t mean we can take a break or slow down. The Lambda variant has their sights set on climbing ranks by evading the vaccine, which means we not only need to maintain our reputation, but build upon it.

Invitation To One-Year High School Reunion

Greetings fellow Tigers, It’s been one whole year since we’ve graduated and now is the perfect time to have a reunion. We can’t wait to see what everyone has been up to since we parted ways and how you’ve started your journey toward adulthood! You may not look like you do in your senior year portrait anymore, but don’t let the freshman 15 stop you from indulging in our bountiful buffet (please bring a food and drink item).

Brood X Cicada or Frat Boy on Break?

All they want to do is get laid. No concept of personal space. They never travel in groups smaller than swarms. And more!

I’m the Guy who Makes the Fake Crowd Noise at Baseball Games, and Yes, I Have Been Secretly Inserting Rupi Kaur Poems

“Dad,” you say. “It’s poetry!” “NO,” he yells. “It’s BASEBALL. We should have never sent you to [liberal arts college]!!” Of course, you were both right. Which is why I’m coming clean...

Remote Online Training Reluctantly Delivered To You Remotely From Your Remotely Conscious I.T. Staff

The Provost should have written this online guide, but he’s being tutored by his 9-year-old son learning HTML and Cobra in the likely event that budget cuts will slash our entire IT department. So after sharing some edibles, we are totally unprepared to prepare you.

CARTOON: College Parties in 2020

Zoom Room #69 RULZ. Today's cartoon by Arielle Royston.

I Wish to Apologize for our Class’ “Zoombomber” and his Pedestrian Contributions to our Discussion of To the Lighthouse

This is my fault. I should have ended class the moment AssOlympics began monologuing about how Mrs. Ramsay a “Christ-like” protagonist.

The College has Hired a Ragtag Group of Academic Con Artists to Ensure we Pass Middle States

We've skated by on our good looks and luck for too long, and now that we have a problem with our water fountains only dispensing Dr. Pepper, we can't afford to take a risk. This is why the college has decided to hire a ragtag group of academic thieves to help us pass Middle States. 

The Admissions Committee on Reincarnated Souls (ACORS)

“I see we have an opening for an Associate Marketing Manager in Kentucky,” Rodney said, flipping through a Rolodex. “Fine,” Susan said, rapping her nails on the table. “Next soul.”

CARTOON: Measured Excitement

Let's get deep. Today's cartoon by Phil Witte.

This is Not the Republican Party I Slept With in College

I imagine if we tried to get intimate these days, you’d get all bristly and say, “So, I suppose you want me to GIVE you an orgasm? You want me to just GIVE you one? Everybody wants a handout!”

What I Think An MFA Is

An MFA is pretending to be obsessed with David Foster Wallace when you really use “Infinite Jest” as a hiding place for the "Divergent” trilogy.


Getting a degree in doing time. Maybe prison has a crew team! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.


Eggs Bennington, Hashbrown University, John IHOPkins University, and more #BreakfastACollege!

Instead Of Committing Admissions Fraud, Please Donate To Our University Directly

Please stop committing fraud to ensure your child’s admission. Instead, please bribe us directly, through donations, gifts, and public appearances.

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus

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College Admits 10 Month Old Infant Genius

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Trump Delivers Commencement Speech To Liberal Arts College

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Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

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Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

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The University of Chicago's Letter to Incoming Students

The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media…