Contents of Comey’s Other Memos

A memo in which former FBI Director James Comey details an interaction he had with President Trump was publicized on Tuesday. In it, Comey claims the president asked him to drop the investigation into Mike Flynn. While the Flynn memo is the one getting all the attention, Comey’s other memos are equally as shocking:

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Department of Justice

Federal Bureau of Investigations

From the Desk of James Comey

Feb. 14, 2017

SUBJECT: The President’s Twitter Use

I had a scheduled meeting with the president on Feb. 13 to discuss his plans to deport anyone with a skin tone darker than Pantone 4655, but instead, he spent the entirety of the meeting reading tweets to me. The president was troubled by a tweet from a user named @platypus_fart2011 that questioned his dedication to building the wall between the United States and Mexico.

The president spent the remainder of the meeting furiously typing on his phone while randomly shouting about the lying media and the size of his inauguration crowd.

As I was leaving his office, the president stopped me and said, “No one thought I was going to win, Comey Bologna (A moniker he often uses in reference to me). They said ‘No way.’ But I did. In the biggest landslide.” He then showed me a map of his electoral win made from Swarovski Crystal.

– JBC

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Department of Justice

Federal Bureau of Investigations

From the Desk of James Comey

Feb. 21, 2017

SUBJECT: Document Request

President Trump called me into a one-on-one meeting on Feb. 20 and asked me to provide Omarosa Manigault with access to the FBI files of both Rosie O’Donnell and Arnold Schwarzenegger. When asked for what purpose he needed the files, the president instead began listing various magazines he’s been on the cover of.

When I declined to “pinky swear” that I would grant Omarosa access to the files, the president called me “fake news” and reminded me how many electoral votes he won in the 2016 election — 304, a number he claims Reince Priebus had tattooed on his inner thigh at the president’s request.

– JBC

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Department of Justice

Federal Bureau of Investigations

From the Desk of James Comey

March 1, 2017

SUBJECT: Request RE: A Bigfoot Task Force

In a meeting on Feb. 28 to discuss cyber security, President Trump asked my thoughts regarding “That Big Foot fella,” asking “Is he real?” and seemed suspicious when I informed him there was no evidence to support the existence of a “Big Foot.”

The president then reminded me that he won the 2016 election “in a landslide,” and showed me a map of his electoral win printed on the underside of the necktie he was wearing. “No one thought we could do it. Not the failing New York Times or fake news CNN,” he said.

He then suggested the creation of a special task force to capture Bigfoot, saying, “He could be my Bin Laden. Even bigger than Bin Laden.”

– JBC

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Department of Justice

Federal Bureau of Investigations

From the Desk of James Comey

March 10, 2017

SUBJECT: Haunted Appliances

I was summoned to the White House Executive Residence at about 8 p.m. on March 9. at the request of the president. When I arrived, I found Mr. Trump agitated and wearing his bathrobe. The president expressed concerns regarding a microwave in the residence, and insisted that former President Barack Obama was spying on him through it.

I assured the president that Obama was not using the appliance for surveillance, but he insisted, “Get some of your guys. The toughest guys. The big guns. Get the big guns and take this microwave out and blow it up. Boom. Use torpedoes. Blow it up big time. Show him who’s president now. They said I couldn’t win, that Trump wouldn’t win, but I did. I won in the biggest landslide. They couldn’t believe it.”

Before I left the residence, Trump insisted I watch the fifth season of The Apprentice in its entirety.

– JBC

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Department of Justice

Federal Bureau of Investigations

From the Desk of James Comey

April 12, 2017

SUBJECT: Another Memo to Cover My Ass With Later

President Trump pulled me aside following a briefing on April 11. After gesturing at his daughter, Ivanka, and asking, “Whaddya think? A solid 10, right?” he pressed me on the Bureau’s investigation into his campaign’s ties to Russia. The president questioned numerous times whether he was under investigation and grew increasingly irritated when I refused to answer. He then demanded, “Blink your eyes three times if I’m not under investigation” and stared into my face until three natural blinks had occurred. He then slapped me on the back and said, “You’re a good man, Comey Bologna. Everyone said I wasn’t going to win, they said it, but then it was a landslide. A huge win.”

– JBC

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