Best of 2023

Conversations I’ve Had With My Playlist 

Undone – The Sweater Song 

Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away.

Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.

Hey You 

Pink Floyd: Hey you… Out there on your own, sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?

Me: Get the fuck out of my house!

Eleanor Rigby 

The Beatles: Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where the wedding has been 

Me: Is she going to eat that? Hey! Don’t eat that!

Hotline Bling 

Drake: And I know when that hotline bling, it can only mean one thing 

Me: I KNOW, I KNOW you’ve been trying to reach me about my car’s extended warranty

Don’t Stop Me Now 

Queen: I’m burning through the sky! Two hundred degrees; that’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit!

Me: Typically, meteors and other celestial objects burn at well over three-thousand degrees. Brian, you have a Ph.D. in Astrophysics. How could you let him say that?

Anarchy In The UK 

Sex Pistols: I am an Antichrist! I am an Anarchist! 

Me: The thing I admire most about you is your subtlety

Izzo (H.O.V.A.) 

Jay-Z: I can’t leave rap alone; the game needs me. 

Me: I feel the same way about ranch dressing.

Comfortably Numb 

Pink Floyd: Hello, hello, hello, is there anybody in there? 

Me: NO!

Forever In Blue Jeans 

Neil Diamond: And long as I can have you here with me, I’d much rather be, forever in blue jeans. 

Me: Neil, You’re crazy! You’ve been wearing those since 1979! They smell really bad.


Smashing Pumpkins: And I don’t even care, to shake these zipper blues.

Me: You and Neil deserve each other.

Sister Christian

Night Ranger: Motoring, What’s your price for flight? 

Me: Anything, as long as it’s not on Spirit.

Life is a Highway 

Tom Cochrane: Life’s like a road that you travel on, When there’s one day here and the next day gone. 

Me: You don’t seem ok to drive.

California Love 

2Pac: Out on bail, fresh outta jail, California dreaming, Soon as I stepped on the scene, I’m hearin’ hoochies screamin’. 

Me: I’m so sorry! That was me. I saw a spider.

All By Myself 

Eric Carmen: All by myself, Don’t want to be all by myself anymore 

Me: Your voice sounds way deeper than I’m used to hearing on South Park.

The Wall 

Pink Floyd: How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat? 



U2: You ask me to enter, and then you make me crawl 

Me: WELL, EXCUUUUSE ME, but the ad said you were an “eager sub.”

Poetic Justice 

Kendrick Lamar: If I told you that a flower bloomed in a dark room, would you trust it?

Me: Kale grows in the dark, and there isn’t enough time to tell you all the benefits of Kale.

Wish You Were Here 

Pink Floyd: How I wish you were here 

Me: Stop pointing to your lap! I’M CALLING THE COPS!

Semi Charmed Life 

Third Eye Blind: I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kinda life

Me: *offers them a piece of gum*

The Waiting 

Tom Petty: The waiting is the hardest part 

Me: There’s a self-checkout right over there where you could just scan the stuff yourself.


Toto: Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. 

Me: I know it’s you, PINK FLOYD! That 80’s mustache isn’t fooling anyone!


Radiohead: But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo 

Me: Yeah, I know; you followed me to my car, asking if I wanted to see a dead body.


David Bowie: I wish you could swim, like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim. 

Me: Did you know that researchers observed dolphins off the coast of Hawaii swimming through each other’s urine as a way to identify each other? This isn’t as romantic as you think it is, and I’m glad I swim like a person; I really am.

Can’t Feel My Face 

The Weeknd: She told me don’t worry about it, she told me don’t worry no more

Me: Well it’s not HER yogurt you keep eating without asking; it’s MINE.

Forever Your Girl 

Paula Abdul: Baby, just remember I gave you my heart; Ain’t no one gonna tear us apart

Me: I know. It’s just…MC Skat Kat is so much hotter than me. I see the way he looks at you!

Blinded by the Light 

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band: Blinded by the light! Wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night 

Me: That can’t be right, but I’m sure that’s what he’s saying!

Cry For Judas 

Mountain Goats: Some things you do just to see how bad they’ll make you feel

Me: You’re so right… I don’t need to eat that many chicken wings to have a good time.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond 

Pink Floyd: Shine on you crazy diamond. 

Me: Jesus… Fine. Come on in, and Neil, you can keep your stinky pants. I don’t know why I even try anymore.