Daily Planner Schedule For The Elf On The Shelf

9:30 am

Tinkle into the dishwasher’s detergent container.

10:15 am

Pop up and down on the kitchen window-sill , hoping to give the gardening widow next door a heart attack.

11:30 am

Lunch with MILF On The Shelf.

12:15 pm

 Sufficiently liquored up, try the “You’re standing under the mistle-blow.” line on the MILF On The Shelf.

12:23 pm

Promise to call the MILF On The Shelf back “after the holidays”, secure in the knowledge that I’ll be in a box in the attic by then.

2:00 pm

 Chase the dog around the house.

3:30 pm

Take some of the mom’s purse coke, and hide it in the daughter’s jean pockets.

5:00 pm

Get back on the shelf.

6:35 pm

 Intentionally fall off of the shelf and scare the crap out of everybody.