Didn’t Make It Into The 27 Club? There’s Still Time To Be an Icon 

I woke up on my 28th birthday feeling like shit. It was not the hangover, nor was it the dread of inching closer to 30, which isn’t even a thing anymore because everyone is all stoked to turn 30 now (apparently you finally figure out which pants don’t look like absolute shit on you and also how to enjoy sex. It sounds fucking sick and frankly I can’t wait.) What I’m talking about is that unmistakable pang of disappointment I got when I opened my eyes unscathed on my 28th birthday with the certainty that I was officially an artistic failure. 

In a sick way, living past the age of 27 is just a reminder that I am in fact not a rock & roll visionary whose legend will live on eternally in the hearts of devout fans at this point in my career. The 27 Club includes the larger-than-life musical masterminds Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones and, most notably, not me. As I sipped my iced latte and watched my own Instagram story, I couldn’t help but be disgusted, because I hate cold coffee and myself, but also because I realized that we as a society have failed to celebrate the other greats who stayed with us a little longer. They deserve to be inducted into their own postmortem club, too! And maybe I’m just waiting to join the right one for me. If you’ve lived past the age cut-off for The 27 Club like I did, you may simply be holding out to join one of these other iconic groups based on your specific talents and noteworthiness.

“The Apostles 33” 

That’s right. Thirty-three, AKA The Jesus Age. Dying at 33 could mean one of two things: 1) you’re a nepo-baby whose father’s fame gave you some perks and entitlement that ultimately got you into trouble in the end. The proof of this continues with Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, daughter-in-law of John F. Kennedy, who tragically passed away in a private plane crash at this age. The second thing this could mean is that you are fucking hilarious. The curtain closed during Act 33 for comedy geniuses John Belushi and Chris Farley, so if you’re 33 with an elite sense of humor I would consider it a full-on hex the next time someone comments “Dead.” on your funny Tik Tok.

“The 36 Chicks” 

This one is for my queens out there. Among this group who left their mark on this dull, undeserving world in just 36 years is Catherine Parr (the last queen of the House of Tudor), Princess motherfucking Diana (perhaps the most beloved royal there ever was), and American royalty herself, Marilyn Monroe. They slayed their best until they were laid to rest *nail polish emoji*. Ok that was in poor taste but the whole concept of this article is kinda fucked so if you’re not into it just go back to watching Trader Joe’s recipe videos and no one will judge you.

“The Double Troubles”

It’s no coincidence that groundbreaking men like Christopher Columbus and Matthew Perry died at double the age of 27: 54. But sometimes more is not always better. Each of these men are famous for playing a pivotal role in the creation of something that loyal white folks still put on a pedestal to this day: ‘Murica and Friends. Both projects turned out to be overrated. And racist. Do not come for me.

“The 76ers” 

Dying at age 76 is a one-way ticket to jock status for eternity. This group boasts some legendary athletes. Most recently, this club drafted OJ Simpson, the NFL football player who was known for playing 11 seasons with the Buffalo Bills and nothing else at all that I can think of off the top of my head. Alongside Simpson in The 76ers is French football player Rachid Belhout, British cyclist Pete Smith, and American wrestler Douglas Blubaugh. Blubagh’s cause of death was in fact not “blue balls,” although I desperately wanted it to be because of his name; it was a traffic accident, which isn’t nearly as funny but I imagine it’s a quicker way to go. RIP Dougie.

“The Great Whites” 

You’ve got 99 problems but dying young ain’t one. Legend of all legends Betty White held out all the way until age 99! So if you haven’t made it into any of the previous groups by this point, rest assured you can always aim for 99 and be in damn good company. Betty White is quite possibly the baddest bitch on this entire list. In fact, let’s all strive to join The Great Whites. If we enjoy our lives half as much as Betty did, I think we’ll have a pretty good time while we’re here.