Flu Watch 2018: Symptoms We’re Already Dead

Reports are in, and the toxicity of this year’s flu strains, political climate, and general zeitgeist have combined to create a superbug so deadly that everyone is now a walking (but not for long!) case of sepsis.


WARNING: Anyone who has the flu and develops the following signs of apocalypse should seek medical help as soon as possible, regardless of age or usual state of health, but also do your part and start digging your own grave––or at least mark yourself dead on Facebook.


  • Trump fatigue fatigue
  • Recurring toxic masculinity
  • Severe or persistent thirst for Kar-Jen baby bump pics
  • Difficulty distinguishing real news from fake
  • Shortness of Twitter characters to fully express rage
  • Pressure or pain of acknowledging white privilege
  • Coup-like symptoms in the abdomen or First World region
  • Trout rash on your human body
  • Frequent stable genius urges
  • Widespread inability to gain consent
  • Confusion over ballistic missile alerts
  • Numbness to school shootings and other large-scale massacres
  • Hallucinations of past presidents who actually gave a fuck
  • Blood in stool due to new all-Tums diet
  • Diarrhea or vomiting of Stormy Daniels headlines
  • Testing positive for Russian election interference
  • Symptoms improve but then return with fervor and worse scoff
  • Acute feelings that Dennis Rodman is humanity’s greatest hope for survival
  • Chronic daydreams about getting hit by an asteroid
  • Disbelief in global warming despite having world’s highest fever on record
  • Sudden and intense desire to scroll through Instagram in a mindless double tap to the end


Please note: Death is most likely occur on your honeymoon or other ironically happy time, so doctors recommend abstaining from joy. Don’t worry, it will all be over soon.