Other Oxymoronic Wellness Regimens to Add to Your ‘Power Nap’ 

You may have heard of the benefits of the ‘Power Nap’ from that fitness podcast for pro athletes that you religiously listen to on the commute to your sedative marketing job. If so, you know that any daytime snooze longer than 20 minutes is a recipe for unwanted grogginess, not to mention a sign of depression or some weak shit like that. Naps used to be about resting, but now they’re about maximizing alertness and productivity. Wake up. If you’re serious about longevity, a word you learned how to spell three weeks ago (but still looks wrong whenever you type it), you’re ready to take wellness to the next level with these hardened self-care routines:

Cold Bath 

Hate to break it to you, but relaxing bubble baths pose no health benefits whatsoever. Unless you’re trying to save your failing marriage by spicing it up in a DoubleTree honeymoon suite jacuzzi for your anniversary weekend, there’s really no reason to sit in warm water ever again. Maximum wellness can only be achieved by bringing yourself to the edge of your pain threshold, arriving at the fear of potential hypothermic shock, and then pushing that thought down for ideally three minutes. However, if you happen to overhear your coworker bragging about his plunge record of six minutes, you’ll have to outlast him in your next session or else you’re a snowflake. In which case, you should have no problem wading in your natural below-freezing habitat.

Beer Yoga 

Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can’t find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brown bag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t be chill with that.

Gorge Diet 

You’ve heard of Paleo, Keto, Atkins, you name it… you’ve even talked to a vegan at a party once, though it was difficult to get a word in. But have you heard the latest and greatest in nutrition research? The only effective way to eat is to stuff your face-hole with as much food as you can get your greasy mitts on – any kind of food, any number of calories, it doesn’t matter, stupid. You’re stuck thinking about the what, when it’s all about the when. Welcome to the future, bitch. Go ahead and gluttonously gorge yourself, like seriously corrupt your lil’ innards with caloric surplus to the point of self-hatred, but only from the hours of 12 p.m. to 6 p.m. Do not even so much as think about food outside of this window. You won’t be able to accept any brunch or dinner invites, arguably the two most social meals, but what you lose in friendships you’ll gain in gains. Gains. Just wanted to say it a third time. More is more. More.

Molt Moisturizing 

Calming creams are out, peptide serums that sting your face immediately upon contact with the skin are in. Dermatology experts like my friend Zak, whose ex-wife actually did Chappell Roan’s makeup once for this livestream thing before she was a big deal, believe that in order to hydrate the skin, you first have to dry it out completely until it all falls off your face, which might actually make too much sense if you think about it. Corrections to the most stubborn impurities can only happen at the deepest layer of the epidermis, which is why this breakthrough moisturizing method makes you molt like the anaconda you’ve got caged up downstairs until everybody can see what’s underneath: your dermis.

Breath Work 

You thought breathing was involuntary? Not if you do it the hard way, pussy. Set aside at least fifty minutes a day to sit alone and violently pant in and out of your mouth. Fill up your lungs to their capacity and then sharply inhale even further past that point until your hands feel like they aren’t attached to your body. By minute fifteen you may start to receive psychic messages from your ex – don’t respond. It’s not like they ever did. By minute thirty-five, you may start hearing the sound of your late grandmother’s soothing voice coming through – tell that bad bitch wassup.