Essential Ales – A Pyramid Scheme for the Rest of Us

Hi Stuart. Thanks so much for meeting with me today. Can I get you a large tap water or anything from the counter? They all know me here. No? Okay, great. Thanks for accepting my Facebook Messenger request. I can’t believe we haven’t hung out since sophomore year in high school!

Me? Man, I’m so busy these days with Sandra working full time. That’s my mom. Every week I have to power through whatever’s new on Netflix and Xbox, then all the rest of my time goes into my new organization.

What’s the organization, I think I heard you ask? Well, let me put it to you this way: do you ever wish you had more control over your life? Most people are wasting their lives chained to a desk and working to make some CEO a little richer, am I right? What if you could take that time back for yourself? What if you could be your OWN boss?

I can see you reaching for your keys, Stu. I know what you’re thinking, and I’m not trying to recruit you to sell some kind of makeup or juice or fitness tortilla wrap for the human body. I have no doubt you feel the same way about all that pyramid scheme garbage that I do: sad that they’re having all that fun with their friends without us.

Did I read your mind there, Stuey?

Just like you, probably, I waited for years to be invited into a multi-level marketing racket. Watching everyone on their four-hour lunch meetings and their social media live streams really got me thinking. Why not me? I’m a fun guy. I deserve a chance to try to solve my financial problems by taking a week trip to an airport hotel in Columbus.

That’s why I founded Essential Ales: a pyramid scheme for the rest of us. If you’re struggling with the realities of loneliness and failure, my Essential Ales are a miracle cure–I have to tell you the FDA hasn’t come around on that claim yet–and I have an exciting opportunity for some motivated consumer-distributors to help me get the word out. Do you like friends? Do you like drinking? Do you want to be taken seriously about it? Then I want you on my team.

No, Stu-pendous, this isn’t just about booze. We’ll expect you to stay familiar with the product, obviously, but we are in the people business! Those late nights at the bar will be official meetings, and we’ll spend most of them scheduling other meetings. You’ve seen the spirited scheming that goes on once our miracle product starts flowing: weekend plans, road trips, and pledges to be best friends forever. You deserve a job where everyone in attendance can’t stop talking about the next official meeting. If you need to quit, there are meetings for that, too.

It won’t always be easy. I’m looking for top performers willing to go the extra mile: real bar closers not afraid of a 3-day recruiting binge. This line of work will show you who your real friends and family are. The losers in your life will try to stop you. When that happens, I find that the product helps.

Ready for the best part? You can operate remotely anywhere, at any time! Well, not while driving, trust me, but what you do at home during the day is nobody’s business but your new business! Schedule a call with your team and you can collaborate at any time, all over the globe. Really makes you feel bad for those “cool” pyramid jockeys with a garage full of stretchy pants, eh?

So what do you say? Want to keep working for the sober nerds for a measly full-time salary and benefits, or are you thirsty to become the second ever Essential Ale-oholic?