Come in, won’t you? All of your friends and loved ones are here waiting for you. No, it’s not a surprise party because you paid your taxes this year. That’s not something people normally do. Please have a seat.
Amazon, we’ve invited you here today to discuss some of your recent Choices because we care about you, and frankly, we’re concerned.
Jennifer is here (hi, Jennifer). You haven’t seen her since Prime Day. Did you realize that, Amazon? Jennifer was looking for sensible leftovers containers for her new dorm room, and she wondered, what’s Amazon’s Choice in this situation? Do you remember what you told her, Amazon?
You suggested a pizza pouch lanyard.
Amazon, you’re one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss. Everyone had a good laugh about it in 2018, but you still have it, don’t you? Are you wearing it under that shirt, Amazon? Oh boy. This is worse than I imagined.
I’m sorry. We’re not here to judge you. Let’s continue.
Marcus took the evening off of work to join us (thank you, Marcus). He was having some allergy trouble last summer and wondered what your Choice was when you needed to keep medicine safe on the go. Marcus was probably interested in a simple plastic container, maybe with nice day-of-the-week compartments. Right, everyone?
Amazon, you showed him your fake Chap Stick container with the false bottom.
Needless to say, Marcus was alarmed by this, Amazon. You don’t need to “hide” allergy medicine. It’s bad enough that you have a favorite stash container–let alone that this is the absolute first place police would look–but it’s somehow worse that it’s only big enough for pills.
What are you hiding, Amazon?
Finally, Billy skipped court to prepare for tonight (thank you for the refreshments, Billy). Billy came to you for advice about seating for guests at his condo. Like so many of us, he valued Amazon’s Choice because he respects you. He did respect you.
Billy, what did he show you photos of that day?
A refillable wine bag chair, folks. For those of you not familiar, that’s essentially a bean bag chair that you can drink. Admittedly, the chair actually looks pretty comfortable and luxurious, but the questions it raises are rather uncomfortable aren’t they, friends?
What was your Choice for guest seating before that, Amazon? A bathtub full of bourbon and a SCUBA mask?
We love you, Amazon, and your Choices impact more people than you realize. You own the world’s largest collection of self-help audiobooks. We’re begging you. Please. Take the first step.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Todd Mitchell is a dad, game developer, and content creator in Greater St. Louis, Missouri. His jokes and humor pieces have been featured at Slackjaw, Points in Case, End of the Bench Sports, and a variety of embarrassing “Twitter reacts” articles. Follow those embarrassing Tweets @mechatodzilla.