Best of 2023

Every Human on Earth Looks at Least 30% More Attractive in a Blazer

Are you, like me, more invested in the idea of looking presentable than in actually making yourself presentable? Have you, also like me, ever wished you could look at least 30% more attractive while only putting in roughly 2% extra effort? Do you, possibly like me, want to pretend you know something about fashion, when the truth is you’re so sartorially challenged that you’ve been wearing the same sweatpants since college and secretly wish Crocs were socially acceptable to wear to weddings and funerals? Do you, maybe or maybe not like me, refuse to throw out your favorite shirts even when they have sweat stains in the armpits and not-so-tiny holes along the seams?


Enter the single most perfect item of clothing: the blazer. Even the schlubbiest person on earth looks at least 30% more attractive in a blazer. This is true for all genders and all body types. It’s a scientific fact.


Not sold on the Blazer Theory? Try picturing every one of your exes. Now, picture them wearing blazers. If you’re still not convinced, repeat the experiment, but replace your exes with your least favorite politicians, or the zombies from The Walking Dead, or every asshole who cut you off on your commute this morning. See? They might still suck, but they’ll look at least 30% less bad while doing so.


Blazers are like magic. They look good with jeans, with skirts, even with shorts. They look just as good with a button-down as they do over a t-shirt, plus they hide any sweat stains or not-so-small seam holes. They can be purchased at every price point, and they work with or without accessories. They can be paired with crewnecks, v-necks, tie-necks, and any other kind of necks you can think of. Feeling modest? Try a blazer over a turtleneck. More daring? Blazers also look great bare-necked, without any shirt underneath at all! They look good cropped, tailored, or oversized. They can be worn buttoned or unbuttoned, cuffed or uncuffed, or slung over your shoulders like a security blanket. They come in all kinds of colors and fabrics and patterns. Some are double-breasted, which not only looks sharp, but is also funny to say. These days, designers have gotten a clue and even started making some blazers machine washable, thank god. (Note to clothing designers: please make everything machine washable.)


But that’s not all! Blazers have a number of other uses aside from just making you look at least 30% more attractive. They can help keep you warm in an overly air-conditioned office. They provide pockets that are perfect for those awkward conversations where you don’t know what to do with your hands. They can cover up the stain from where you dropped salsa on your shirt at lunch, thereby making you look not 30% but as much as 55% more attractive. And if you dropped the salsa not on your shirt but on your pants? Well, just grab your trusty blazer and carry it draped strategically over your forearm, which will not only hide the stain but also make you look like you’re an important businessperson on your way to an important business meeting, rather than a nobody walking around with a salsa stain on their pants. (Also, you know those pants probably aren’t machine washable.)


So always keep a blazer handy, whether you want to be prepared for a last-minute job interview or you’re going to eat a four-course meal while riding public transit. Other styles come and go, but a blazer will always be there to make you look at least 30% more attractive.