Originals

Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental

Welcome to Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental. You are here for a unique and atrocious reason: You have a problem that only a sad clown can solve. Have no fear, 37 depressed clowns who missed four doses of Lexapro and are constantly about to burst into tears are stuffed into a yellow Mini Cooper, awaiting your direction.

 

Let’s face it, there’s not a whole lot to celebrate these days. Since 19 BCE, clowns have been rented to bring to life joyous occasions, like Todd’s 1st birthday party that he won’t remember, corporate anti-harassment luncheons, and even the occasional, or frequent bris.

 

But times have changed, and we’ve had no choice but to adapt our business model to afford the bills from our mounting traffic violations. Turns out it’s super illegal to stuff 54 clowns into a Mini Cooper, even if they signed consent forms, NDA’s, and DNR’s. The Youtube tutorial made it look way easier.

 

Hence, sad clowns. And just to be clear, we aren’t talking about your run of the mill creepy clown with a slight alcohol problem that tries to steal your basketball prodigy golden retriever, your dime store Stephen King knock off, Krusty, Bozo, or Ronald Mc-Freaking Donald.



 

These are some seriously motherfucking depressed as shit clowns. These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.

The more clinically depressed your clown, the higher the hourly rate. These clowns are fucking sad.

 

Some occasions to rent a depressed clown include:

 

  • To sob for you at your third cousin’s funeral.
  • Fake your own death.
  • The birth of your least favorite child.
  • Nervous breakdown in Penn Station distraction. For an extra $15 an hour, our depressed clown will spew a Jamba Juice smoothie all over track 2 so you can make your train.
  • Follow Jed from HR around the office wailing and playing a tiny violin.
  • Open mic night.
  • Grey’s Anatomy season premier.
  • War
  • Returning jeans at Nordstrom Rack.
  • A fire.

 

As you can see, the possibilities are quite literally, endless. Except they do end because you can only rent our clowns for 72 hours at a time. They have to sleep eventually. Come through the back door at 4:03 on a Tuesday and ask for Tony to inquire about our side business, Geoffrey’s Insomniac Clown Rental.

 

Rent a sad clown today and we’ll throw in a complimentary car wash. You sit in our 2015 Honda CR-V with the windows up and the doors locked while 3-5 clowns dump tears into your windshield while “Everybody Hurts” by REM plays through the loudspeaker.

 

All major credit cards accepted. Do not feed the clowns. They will bring a ham sandwich.

 

by Bobbie Armstrong

Bobbie Armstrong

Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’sSlackjawBelladonna ComedyLittle Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @not_bobbi.