Give the Neighborhood Kids a Good Scare With This Genuine Rotting Corpse

To ensure the neighborhood kids have a Halloween to remember, Flesh ’N’ Bones is proud to be the nation’s top purveyor of premium decaying bodies. We’re confident you’ll be pleased with the scare potential of our lifeless forms — whether you simply slump it against the front door with a bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or you go for a more elaborate setup, like an authentic murder mystery for your 6-year-old and her entire class.

Product description:

• Your spooky decorations won’t be complete without a 100% genuine rotting corpse. Our bodies are ethically sourced from a vast network of partner morgues, and we boast the largest and most varied inventory in the country. This means you can select a body to meet almost any specification, including so mangled that little Mia from across the street won’t be sure if it was ever human at all!

Age range:

• On any other day, our products would terrify even the most depraved demon, but on Halloween, we recommend the bodies are suitable for ages 0 and up.

Included items:

• 1 Coroner-certified dead body.

• 1 framed death certificate.

• 1 body bag (choose from three designs: traditional black, a cutesy Beelzebub, or The Very Hungry Caterpillar).

Product uses:

• Our bodies can decorate your house however you think most eerie — drooped, doubled-over, or even donned. For whatever way you choose, the best shocks, screams, and fainting occur in a flood-lit area.

• In line with our value of sustainably frightening the next generation, the skeleton can be used and re-used every year.

Product material:

• 100% organic, eco-friendly, biodegradable human.

Product dimensions:

• Each of our bodies is bespoke — with variations expected across characteristics such as shape, size, and former political affiliation.

• Depending on the cause of death, the body may be missing one or multiple parts.

• At checkout, you can select add-ons from a full range of additional appendages to be sewn on.

• The body currently in your cart was Dave. He was 5’10″ but was known to claim he was “right on 6’.”

Directions for opening:

• Don a hazmat suit (not supplied).

• Handle with care: drag the body bag to the bathroom or laundry, pull the plug, and drain the preservation vinegar.

• For maximum fun and scare, open at least two days before intended use to ensure time for the body to reach peak rot.

Storage:

• If you purchase in advance, the body can be comfortably stored in your kitchen fridge for up to one week, or indefinitely next to the chicken nuggets in your freezer.

• (Note: the fridge and freezer are perfect locations to display your body if you’re hosting a Halloween party. It’s never long before a kid goes in search of food.)

Returns:

• Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted.

Washing instructions:

• Do not wash — washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.

Safety information:

• Rest assured, all neighborhood kids will be safe playing with our blood-stained, maggot-filled, disease-ridden decomposing cadaver, as all bodies are BPA-free.

• Contains small parts that are prone to dropping off at any moment, such as heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.

• Dispose of the body bag immediately after opening as it may become a choking hazard for small children.

• Must be used only on Halloween — either before or after may cause crippling emotional damage.

 

Customer reviews:

“Worked a (trick or) treat for scaring and scarring my kids and their friends!”

“Doug and Barbara from next door spent all year growing their haunted hedge maze but only our putrefying carcass kept the local counselor employed!”

“After seeing a two-headed body draped over our dividing fence, little Jimmy didn’t come out of his house until Christmas!”

“My child has never been the same.”