Bachelor #244: There’s Trouble at the Mansion

Contestants on ABC’s popular reality TV series, “The Bachelor,” spend thousands of dollars to prepare for the show. They are not compensated for their time on-air, nor does ABC’s parent company, Walt Disney, provide them with health insurance.



7:30 PM – The Cocktail Party


Bachelor Jason has spent the last hour in Villa de la Vina’s auxiliary wellness room with contestant Sylvia. Several of the girls have grown impatient.


Crystal: I can’t believe she would do this. (tasteful sobbing) Especially after what happened on today’s group date.


Rachel: So basically, we were at this children’s hospital. And Jason looks incredible in scrubs by the way.


Anna Rose: The date is pretty much spending time with kids who are sick or something. Last week Hannah IV went skydiving in Peru…. Anyway, Sylvia spends the whole freakin’ day at the benefits desk—of course Jason goes with her.


Crystal: She’s going on and on about the “unfair cost of prescription drugs in America.” It was so ugly.


Alexa: She is NOT here for the right reasons. Whenever there are cameras around she’s all (adopts falsetto) “since 1948 the UN has recognized health care as a human right.”


Crystal: Eventually she makes Jason give the group date rose to some preteen who can’t afford insulin… I mean… (slow zoom) someone literally not even in the competition.


Cassie E: She is DEFINITELY going home tonight.


(A yellow banner of text reveals Cassie E’s occupation to be “Pisces.”)



9:00 PM – The Rose Ceremony


Chris Harrison: Ladies, this is the final rose tonight. (turning to Jason) When you’re ready.


Jason: This is the hardest decision I’ve had to make in the last seven days. I’ve fallen for so many of you, but we don’t have the resources to support everyo—


Sylvia: Hey Jason, could I actually say something?


Jason: Of course, Cynthia. I respect all women.


Sylvia: Well… I think there are a lot of misconceptions about what Medicare for All would really entail for the average American. Nonpartisan groups—like the CBO—have concluded a single payer-system will save families money in lower premiums while simultaneously lessening the bureaucracy endemic to the industry.


(A small red dot appears on Sylvia’s forehead. A PA in a terracotta ghillie suit has taken a sniping position atop the hearth.)


10:30 PM – Sidebar Interviews


Cassie E: Sylvia won’t shut up about universal basic coverage. I’m like HONEY, we’re all 5’11”, blonde, and Scandinavian. We know already.


Hannah IV: If you want the tea, this whole stunt is because she turned twenty-six last week. So what, the ACA no longer covers her? That doesn’t give her the right to take up all of the airtime Jason’s time.


CH: Did you just redact your own response in real-time?


Hannah IX: What…? Huh?


1:32 AM – The Casual Sex Suite


Jason: Sylvia, you’ve really opened my eyes. Per capita health care spending in the United States is nearly triple that of other industrialized nations. Our government is already footing this bill by subsidizing private insurance plans, but it doesn’t have any purchasing power to drive costs down. If we moved to single-payer, that power could return to the people. I am a little skeptical of letting everyone sign up willy-nilly, though. I wouldn’t want any freeloaders, like welfare recipients or Puerto Ricans.


Sylvia: I love that you can roll your R’s.


Jason: You probably don’t know this, but I’ve never been to a doctor in my life. Should we take our clothes off and examine each other?


Sylvia: Wait you never had a doctor’s appointment as a kid?


Jason: I’m terrified of stickers. They remind me of commitment.


Sylvia: Jason, how old are you?


Jason: I’m 65.


(Intercuts of gently deflating balloons.)


Sylvia: Under Medicare for All, you wouldn’t ever have to worry about the federal government interfering with your Social Security.


(Their noses touch. A knock at the door.)


CH: Sorry to butt in you two, but the girls have destroyed a rare Grecian urn in their collective fury. Jason, could you possibly come tell everyone that they have a unique relationship you want to pursue further?


Jason: Sylvia, I have to go. I want you to know I think our relationship is unique and I can’t wait to pursue it further.


Hometown Dates


CH: So, tell me a little about your experience this week.


Jason: It was incredible getting to know Cassie E’s family, as well as Cassie C’s and Cassidy’s. Although I didn’t get a blessing from any of the fathers, they definitely know how I feel about their daughters. Plus, I learned how to Skee-Ball!


CH: That’s so encouraging to hear Jason. Unfortunately, I saw you decided to end your date with Sylvia early?


Jason: (staring a foot above Chris Harrison’s eyeline) That’s right Chris.


CH: What happened?


Jason: Everything was going great. We made stops in Nashua, Moultonborough, Laconia, and Concord. I was settling into the groove of the campaign bus and I loved seeing Sylvia in her element—


CH: Because you respect women.


Jason: My mother is a woman! Anyhow, I really enjoyed socializing with the whole Sanders campaign family. However, I think I’m going to be rich soon and Sylvia’s policy proposals sound a bit expensive. I think there are better options, like my new line of rose-shaped healing stones. Also, someone tried to give me a “Bernie 2020: Not me, Us” sticker.


CH: You hate stickers.


Jason: I don’t really understand the slogan either, Chris.