Reasons That I’m Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

Everyone knows that you’re having the shower at Carl’s Jr because they gave you that “eat free forever” coupon after you found chunks of broken glass in your curly fries.    I don’t suppose that same offer will apply to your guests at the shower?    Hmmm?     Yeah, I thought not.

You’re not having a baby;  you’re considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year.     Look, that’s great and all, but I’m not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever.    You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.

The erotic Hulk Hogan fan-fiction that’s been posted online and credited to me?    I know that’s you, man.   I know that’s you!!!

My eyebrows never grew back after the explosion at your Super Bowl party from several years ago.    If you’re going to have a Super Bowl party at your cousin’s fully functioning meth lab, you have a duty to inform your guests of that very significant detail.

You know that I was sympathetic when you were stockpiling toilet paper during the pandemic.    But to stockpile from the toilet paper that we had in our house?    You know that my mom has Crohn’s!!    That’s the last straw, man.

That new tattoo on your left arm of Denise giving you a hand-job?    That’s not cool, man.   That’s not what a friend does.    Denise probably wasn’t the best girlfriend in the world, but I loved her a lot.   We were even talking about living together at one point.    You said that the tattoo was just supposed to be a joke, but if that’s the case, I really don’t get it.

It’s not funny to hide a person’s insulin, even under the guise of it being part of a “scavenger hunt”.

I’m assuming that most of your new friends will be at the baby-shower?     I can’t hang with those guys.   And, honestly, it seems like they’re more of a hastily thrown together fight club than actual friends.    I have no interest in being hit over the head from behind again while shuffling a deck of World Of Warcraft cards.