Greta Thunberg Responds to My Request That She Advocate For My 5 Most Pressing Concerns
Dear Steven,
This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be reading this. I should be back in school on the other side of the ocean. Yet you come to us young people for hope. How dare you! Stop eating the queso. If Chipotle charges that much extra for it – toss a slice of cheese in the microwave, or better, cook that cheddar over an open flame.
Reading the inanity of your inner life has perverted my dreams and ruined my childhood. Thanks to the magnificent and comprehensive vacuousness of your words, even my resolve has weakened. Surely this list heralds the beginning of humanity’s intellectual mass extinction, one where all you talk about is whether or not Hobbs and Shaw deserved its own spinoff, one where you remain fully oblivious to the fact that the Amazon burns to the ground and our entire planet rapidly disintegrates into nothingness. I say again: how dare you!
When you, a self-proclaimed grown ass man, sat down to write to me did it not, even for the faintest of moments, occur to you that that was the perfect time for serious and painful introspection? That it was, perhaps, a moment ordained by the universe and earmarked just for you to survey your frustrations objectively and, at the very least, consider whether or not you really wanted to ask me to spend my time advocating for the ritualistic slaughter of people who say “TBD” out loud as if you are, and I quote, “some sort of goddamn enfleshed program management spreadsheet.
Also, Steven, although I am familiar with Disney World I also do not know what the Disney Vault is or who they might be keeping in it – or for that matter, who Tupac is.
Finally, let me request something of you, a challenge. Take a walk. Breathe in the air, watch your neighbors, men, women, and children live their lives interacting with this beautiful planet. I know you told me you were “against animal rights because you are not a cat guy,” but for one day, observe the simple joy with which animals move about. If this single day of active appreciation does not mitigate the anger you feel when the person in front of you at a starbucks line orders four or more intricately customized drinks, then, from the bottom of my heart, I say to you: HOW DARE YOU?
With Hope,
Greta Thunberg
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Steven Demmler is a Father, Trader, Technologist, Writer, and Stand Up Philosopher. Instead of taking vacations to places that interest him, he moves to them. He worked for years as a stagehand at Saturday Night Live before selling out to work in Finance. You can read his writing in the Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, The Palm Beach Post, and a handful of academic journals.
