How to Shrug Off That You Got Sent to the Gatorade Jug After Trying to Order Water at the Bar 

Getting your steps in: Why else would you be walking to the Gatorade water tank 100 yards away from your table. To get water? Um, no. You didn’t even want water, and those 10,000 steps aren’t going to step themselves. The only thing worse than the shame of being seen self-serving yourself a one oz. cup of water like you’re a 7-year-old at a tee-ball game is dying early from heart disease after leading a sedentary lifestyle.

Unloading some labor from the waitstaff: What a better way to help out the essential workers. You and your three friends are the only souls in this establishment. The bartender has been scrolling LinkedIn for a better job for the last 15 minutes. So even though you’re crushed and embarrassed beyond belief when you ask for water and you’re told to do a walk of shame to the tank of shame, you don’t show it like a scarlet letter. What do you do? You say you’re pulling your own weight, and lightening the load of the waitstaff, who do so much. Don’t forget to leave a $2 tip on top of the Gatorade water tank.

Single-handedly bringing back the water cooler conversation: Why grab a comfortable seat at the bar when you can stand with your arm hanging over a water cooler instead? Thank goodness you got sent to the Gatorade tank because now you’re bringing back a beloved relic when people went into the office. Put yourself in the shoes of Kathy from Accounting and ask Rick from Marketing what they did that weekend. Even though the bar music is too loud to hear anyone, you’ll be so glad the bartender exiled you.

Show how strong you are lifting up an entire jug to get the last drop of water: Chances are you’re not going to be the first person doing a walk of shame to the water tank. But the chances are even higher that you’ll be the person that will have to lift up the entire jug just to get those last few drops. Don’t even think about asking the bartender to fill up that tank for you. Reframe this challenge as an opportunity. Bend with your knees, lift up the tank, and put your mouth directly on the spew. Not only will you show how strong you are, but you’ll also let people at the bar know you’re unsanitary.

Honor your high school football coach: You didn’t have a high school football coach. You didn’t even play football. You were a part of the underfunded drama club, and you could barely throw a dart, let alone an old pigskin. But to avoid the shame that comes with being banished to the battered, bright orange, stick-covered Gatorade, suddenly you have a new idea. You’re not getting water from Big Orange because the bartender considers you a little peasant boy who needs to serve themselves. You’re doing it to honor Coach, who led your team to a state championship win in ‘86. You’re doing it to remember your post-win joy when you dumped Big Orange on Coach. A beloved memory that brings a tear to your eye every time you think of his untimely death due to a fatal case of slipping on a banana peel. So when your friends ask why you’re in the back of the bar at the tank, say you’re paying homage to Coach the only way you know how.  Raise your 2 oz. plastic water cup to Coach. Go Tigers.

You forgot your bongo at home: Everyone knows you’re the type of person to bring a bongo to the bar. So on today’s rare occasion where you left your drum at home, it’s actually a good thing you got removed to the Gatorade tank because it’s time to bring live music back. After you quench your thirst, that’s when your show can begin. Put that jug in between your legs and get slapping, it’s time to put on a show.