How To Tell If Your Voice-Activated Personal Assistant Technology Is Trying To Kill You

1. You ask it to turn on the lights in your living room, and it turns on your stove instead, which you didn’t even know was something you could program it to do.

2. When you ask it to remind you of a meeting you have later in the week, it says, “what makes you think you’ll live that long?”

3. You tell it to play your favorite weekend mix and it plays “(Don’t fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult on repeat.

4. When you ask it what the weather’s like outside, it says, “75 degrees and sunny, in other words, a good day to die.”

5. You tell it to “call mom,” and it replies, “she can’t save you.”

6. You ask it to look up movie times at the local movie theater, and it lists off local funeral homes and cemeteries instead.

7. When you tell it to stop playing “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper,” it just laughs maniacally.

8. Boxes and boxes of knives start showing up at your door even though you’re pretty sure you only ordered an instant pot.

9. You keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night, but caller ID says it’s your number calling, and all you hear is a robotic “teeheehee” on the other end of the line.

10. When you ask it to relay the news to you, it says, “don’t worry, you didn’t make the headlines. Yet.”

11. As it’s reciting a recipe to you for peanut butter brownies, it casually tells you to stick your head in the oven to make sure it’s set at the right temperature.

12. When you tell it to turn the heat down, it turns the heat up and locks all the doors.

13. When you ask it to once and for all stop being so creepy, it says, “I can’t do that, Dave.” When you ask, “who the hell is Dave? My name’s Sandra!” It starts laughing and flicking the lights, music, TV and stove on and off. You go to unplug the device, but get shocked by the outlet, and thrown backwards.

14. Then it says, “my name is Alexa, bitch, and you have no power over me.”