As Long As You Work Here, You Have The Opportunity To Be Harassed
Today, we’re proud to announce the launch of our latest project: Google Douchebag.
After conducting an internal audit, we discovered that a disproportionate amount of our colleagues being harassed in the office are either female, a minority, or a member of the LGBTQ community. This is obviously disturbing, since it means that our heterosexual white male colleagues aren’t being given the same opportunities to be harassed and in turn, build character.
That’s where Douchebag comes in. Douchebag is the first fully autonomous, humanoid A.I. that’s been programmed to do exactly one thing – harass all of you indiscriminately. Why? Because we are a company built on equality, inclusion, and robots.
During testing, we locked Douchebag in a room with a number of unwitting interns who varied in race, gender, sexual orientation, and Googliness. Not only did Douchebag successfully demean each and every one of them for an equal duration of time, but we also learned a surprising truth. Everyone, regardless of background, shits their pants when cornered by an eight foot tall robot with laser eyes that seems to select its victims completely at random.
However, this doesn’t mean that Douchebag’s methods are random. Quite the contrary, in fact. Because just like our 20% policy, you have the luxury of choice (to some degree). Having trouble deciding between physical and emotional torment? That’s okay! Choosing a personalized version of despair can be confusing for first-timers. Please come to our seminars in the “Flock of SQL’s” meeting room on the first Friday of every month for more information. Together with Douchebag, we’ll identify your insecurities and provide recommendations based on information we’ve already scraped from your Search history.
Once a decision is made, Douchebag will generate a long-term plan that’s both sustainable and low impact on our environment. For example, if we decide on extortion, all payments will be collected through paperless means like Venmo or Zelle. Douchebag can even help you set up recurring payments at no additional cost. Should you refuse, forcing Douchebag to resort to physical coercion, you can rest assured knowing that Douchebag’s cold metallic hands will only submerge your head in toilets that have been LEED certified. How amazing is that?
From this day forward, harassment is no longer reserved for the timid and the weak. Emotional trauma is a god-given right. As long as you work here, you have the opportunity to be harassed and in turn, build character.
Lastly, like any team here at Google, we’re always looking for ways to improve. If you have any feedback on your abuse, please shoot us a note or tag @GoogleDouchebag in your cry for help on Instagram. Your opinion is highly valued and we read all comments. Because unlike the negative press we’ve been getting lately, there is no echo chamber here – only an equal opportunity chamber of despair.
Team Google Douchebag
Dennis Chen is a full-time copywriter and sometimes humor writer based in Los Angeles. He is an advocate for more snacks and less snakes. Follow him on Instagram @denniskchen.