I Just Found Out All My “World’s Best Dad” Gifts are Mass-Produced and Now Father’s Day is Ruined

Father’s Day used to be my favorite day of the year. It was the one day I could just kick back, watch a little sports on TV, sip a beer, and rake in tons and tons of one-of-a-kind World’s Best Dad paraphernalia.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m the best dad in the world, but it’s always nice to get a little outside confirmation, you know? When it comes to fatherhood, I’ve definitely put in the work. I take my kids to the park on weekday mornings even though the moms stare at me, I’m the only dad in the PTA, and I literally never wear anything but cargo shorts. I even shower in them.

So, it was nice to know that all my hard work was paying off. Raising kids who are probably not psychopaths is fine, but I’m really in it for the World’s Best Dad coffee mugs, neckties, key chains, hats, and boxer shorts.

I lived for these tokens of genuine appreciation. I was so touched that my children learned to sew, embroider, sculpt, operate a pottery kiln, and produce key chains and assorted trinkets using a state-of-the-art 3D printer. Nothing says love like slaving over a hot kiln or building and operating a 3D printer that makes keychains.

My kids are the best. Or so I always thought.

Until last week when I was strolling through Target for the first time ever and saw a whole display of World’s Best Dad items. There they were. My hats, shirts, shot glasses, and coozies. Piles of them! I almost threw up right in the aisle.

My whole life feels like a sham now. Father’s Day is forever ruined.

Am I even the world’s best dad? I don’t know!

All the love I thought was coming from my children was actually coming from some poor souls in China. And while I appreciate their sacrifice, it’s just not the same.

I would much rather my children sacrifice. But instead, they just picked up some mass-produced garbage while sipping lattes at Target!

Enough is enough. I’m quitting the PTA. And I’m finally taking off these cargo shorts. These shorts are reserved for the world’s best dad. And apparently that isn’t me.