Bedbug Influencer Seeking New Instagram Management
Hi, I’m Shmedbug the Bedbug. I’m like @itsdougthepug, but just, you know, a bedbug. I’m not as well known as Doug, but that’s gonna change as soon as I find a better manager.
The rules of Instagram dictate that the tinier the animal, the more famous it is. Case in point: the kitty @iamlilbub. Really, I should be killing the Insta game. So why hasn’t Purina reached out for a collab?
I’ll tell you why: JEFF.
Jeff and I have been living together as man and bug for two months, and Jeff has yet to post a cleverly captioned pic of me on the ’gram that garners any positive buzz. He doesn’t even include my NAME in the handle. Smh. What kind of animal influencer manager names the account after himself?! (F for effort, Jeff. That’s just SAD.)
Jeff posts unflattering pictures of me on his Insta story (caption: “Ew, what’s this? They’re all over my mattress rn”), pictures of his arms with bites (caption: “Can anyone identify these itchy bumps? Plz help”), and pictures of his hospital wristband (caption: “Mood”). It’s not my fault that Jeff is allergic to me. People are also allergic to cats! Cats do evil things! They hiss and taunt and scratch. But does @nala_cat’s manager post pictures of her scratched-up skin? NO. Because she actually wants Nala’s career to thrive. There’s something called discretion. (Remember that, Jeff. Discretion.)
Pet Influencers have everything that pets have historically craved: attention, fancy treats, and paid promotions. Doug the Pug, with his 3.7M followers, is #goals. He has merch, a New York Times bestseller, and the title, “King of Pop Culture.” But he doesn’t do it alone. His manager networks with celebs, posts quality content, and takes Doug on tour. My human, on the other hand, doesn’t even geotag my pics, let alone get me a Doug-like cameo in a Katy Perry music video. And I’m getting salty.
Jeff wouldn’t even have to work that hard! I can think of the cutest branding ideas off the top of my head. They’ll call me BB for short. Any pic at the Museum of Ice Cream will def boost my presence. And I could easily have my “thing”–Doug has pizza, some of the more basic pets have avocados, and I’ll have blood. I mean, how on brand is that?! Plus, blood is trending. There are 79.4k #phlebotomy and 4.9M #vampire hashtags on Instagram. Unlike Jeff, my ideal new manager will realize that you gotta give these sick blood-loving humans what they want.
I’d understand if the only animals out here living their best lives on IG were the traditionally lovable ones. Like @jiffpom, that makes sense. Even I am like, Yasss, Jiff the Pomeranian, go get ’em.
But can we take a minute to talk about @pumpkintheraccoon? Humans HATE raccoons. Humans literally MURDER raccoons, and yet Pumpkin is thriving on social media. Jeff has no excuse. It’s almost like he’s not even TRYING to be my Instagram manager. (Facepalm, Jeff.)
We’re living in a beautiful moment. This is the time for Jill the Squirrel (@this_girl_is_a_squirrel), Mr. Bagel the Chinchilla (@chinnybuddy), and other nontraditional cuddlebuddies (and soon to be…cuddle-bugs!). They’re out here running the Instaverse and I am Here. For. It.
If any aspiring managers are out there looking to get rich and famous, hmu! I’m officially putting myself up for Instadoption. Just brush by Jeff on his daily trek to 7-11 and I’ll slide over to you like a hot DM. I’m a solid bet because I fit all of the criteria to achieve animal Instafame: I’m little, humans love to share pics of me, and I’ve got the lingo down. Most of all, I’m def going viral because as a bedbug, I’m notorious for spreading.
Sarah Garfinkel is a writer and educator living in Brooklyn. You can find more of her writing at sarahgarfinkelwriting.com