Moms at the Beginning of Summer Vs. Moms at the End of Summer
Swim at your own risk, suckers!
June:“Who wants a snack? Have some of these fresh watermelon and kiwi kabobs!”
August:“You’re starving? Again? Really? Well, I found these beef jerky sticks under the front seat of the car. I’m sure they’re fine.”
June: “You might have swimmer’s ear. Get in the car, we’ll go straight to urgent care!”
August:“Use your other ear.”
June:“It’s been 30 minutes, I need to reapply your sunscreen!”
August:“We’re out of lotion and spray, but, look, you’re almost as tan as Pauly D. I say just go with it.”
June: “You’ve watched two episodes of Paw Patrol, that’s enough.”
August:“You’ll learn so much about life and love from this Dirty John marathon. I’ll check on you in eight hours.”
June:“A sleepover at Janine’s? We don’t really know her parents. Why don’t you invite her to stay here instead?”
August: “You’re meeting a stranger from an Internet chat room at a rest stop McDonalds? Just be back by Thursday. And don’t forget my McFlurry!”
June: “Let’s go to the library and get started on your summer reading.”
August:“Read me my texts while I’m driving and then identify the protagonist. That feels like enough.”
June: “You need goggles? We’ll run to Costco and buy a Speedo 4-pack.”
August: “Grab a pair out of the pool’s lost-and-found and don’t make eye contact with any of the lifeguards.”
June:“Our camping vacation is going to be magical!”
August:“Holy moly! We leave in two days, is there time for me to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program?”
June: “Here comes the ice cream man, kids! Bring me my wallet!”
August:“No freakin’ way. I’ve already spent $125 on Fat Frogs and Toasted Almonds. I’m telling everyone that ice cream man’s a pedophile. Let the helicopter mom mafia run him out of town.”
June: “We’re setting limits on your screen time!”
August: “It’s supposed to rain this weekend so keep your devices charged. If anyone needs new batteries, tell me now and I’ll Amazon Prime them!”
June: (8 a.m.) “Rise and shine! You’re not sleeping the day away!”
August:(11 a.m. walking on tiptoes and whispering): “I’ll murder anyone who rings the doorbell or calls the house and wakes these kids before noon.”
June: “It’s so important to stay hydrated, and I don’t think Mountain Dew is the answer.”
August: “I don’t care what you drink, just don’t touch my Frosé.”
June: “It’s so wonderful to spend time together.”
August: (Hiding in the laundry room) “If I hold my breath, they’ll never find me. Better yet, maybe I’ll pass out and when I come to it’ll be bedtime.”
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Liz Alterman is a freelance writer and the author of the humor blog On the Balls of Our A$$ets, which chronicles the period that came after she and her husband were laid off within six weeks of each other. (Spoiler alert: Don’t try this at home.)
