If Other Professions Recruited Like Multi-Level Marketing Scams
“When I started my career as a butcher, I was cutting up small things like chickens, but in just three months, I’ve learned to butcher a pig and can drain the blood all on my own. My upline supervisor has only been doing this for a year, and she is already butchering cows. The growth trajectory is truly amazing, and it also helps me to feed my family. I’d love to have you buy your own chicken for a low price of $15.00, plus the home chopping fee of only $13.50, and come over to show you how it’s done. Plus, if you sign up to be on my team today, I will offer you a FREE blood collection bucket with our team name.”
“I never imagined that I’d be the sort of person who could manage hundreds of employees but then I became a teacher. Every year, my assets increase. Sure, it’s in the form of Starbucks gift cards and apple-shaped Christmas tree ornaments with my name on it, but the joy I feel knowing that I’m helping to make a difference is all worth it. Did I mention I also get three unpaid months off as a thank you for doing this work? I’m working towards a trip to Cancun by working as a server on nights and weekends. I know you’re busy, but I’d love to meet up and talk about a chance for you to earn your own trip to Mexico simply through your own hard work!”
“Hey girl, you seem like a #bossbitch who is eager to build their own #fempire through being a hustler! I’d love to talk to you about joining the ranks of some badass bitches who are killing it in human resources. You know I’m serious about being a hustlin’ mama and I can see from the way you run our neighborhood bunco group that you’d totally be able to manage a kick-ass staff and put together some legit presentations! Let’s use those natural leadership skills to help a whole office get in formation. This week, I’m running a few of my signature Cupcake and Chat presentations and I’d love to chat with you about becoming part of my team of boss bitches who kick ass and take names in HR at a mid-size complaints-only call center!”
“Being eco-friendly is more important than ever in these times, and my company is one that truly makes an impact on creating a cleaner world. If you love to make a difference in your neighborhood, enjoy the freedom of slowly crawling the open roads, and want to leave the world better than you found it, I have a great job for you. You’ve known me for years, so you know that I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think this was super important and could really help you support your whole family in a meaningful way. As a special bonus, it comes with your own company car! Can we set up a quick call to discuss joining my garbage collecting operation as a junior sanitation worker?”
“A few years ago, I got clear on the fact that I wanted a lot more time flexibility and the chance to be my own boss. I was tired of the grind of going into an office every day, and wanted to control my own environment while managing people who could really benefit from my leadership. If you’ve ever wanted to work in your pjs, set your own hours, and be the proud owner of your own business, I’d love to talk with you about becoming a stay-at-home mom. The hours are grueling and the opportunities to work literally never end, but the self-confidence and transferable skills I’ve developed from launching and managing this business has been amazing for me.”
“You know me, and I’m sure you’ve seen how I’ve grown more committed to making sure my family only uses the greenest, cleanest products to keep us healthy and hydrated. Since becoming a wastewater treatment plant manager, I’m always looking for great people to join my team. I’d love to offer you a chance to host a party in your home for your guests to see how testing for bacteria can improve their day to day lives. Everyone who attends will receive their OWN fecal coliform monitoring kit to see how many poop particles exist in their home. Are you interested?”
“Hey friend, I know we haven’t talked since high school, and I hope this isn’t spammy, because I hate spammy things, but I’ve been working on an underground project I’d love for you to be part of. I never imagined myself being a coal miner, but I just wanted to let you in on the secret to my cutting edge career, because strong women need to support one another. Would you be interested in dropping by the hospital where I’m in respiratory isolation to talk about joining my team? Coffee and a Jell-O cup on me.”
“As you may have seen on Facebook, I’ve started a new career as a nurse. It’s been a lucrative way to make money for my family. I’m in competition with my fellow nurses to have the most patients this month. I have a small ask: can you get your friends and family to be part of this? I’d be happy to send you over a small, personalized petri dish of flu germs that you can lick and then pass on to people in your network to get them well on their way to joining my team! Is there a good time for us to talk? It would mean the world to me to have your help accomplishing this goal.”
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Amy Estes is a queer comedian and writer living in Northern California, where she spends her free time obsessing over her dogs, watching her murder stories, and drinking iced coffee, preferably with her wife by her side. Her work has appeared online at McSweeney’s, Belladonna Comedy, Slackjaw Humor, & Pulp Magazine. She regularly performs stand-up all over Sacramento, the San Francisco Bay Area, & for the middle-schoolers she teaches during the day. You can see her on stage and read more of her writing by checking out her website at amysgotjokes.com.
