Posts

Responses to the Question, 'Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?'

“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”

CARTOON: Evil Outsource

The gig economy is ALIVE! Today's cartoon by Chris Gural.

LinkedIn Through the Ages

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

Better Ways to Lay Off Employees Than Locking Them Out of Their Email

Snail mail, delivered by an actual snail, Elaborate scroll inside the Cryptex from The Da Vinci Code, Inception, and more!

CARTOON: Boss-o-Matic

Microchips and salsa in the breakroom! Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

Satan Announcing Layoffs In Hell

For those we are letting go, we will be offering generous severance packages including the souls of 10,000 babies and a gift card to Spencers Gifts, the official retail partner of hell.

CARTOON: Job Growth

Moving on up! Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company

Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.

You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World

Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

12 Festive Ways To Fire A Whole Bunch Of Employees Right Before Christmas

Hold an office Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Ask select personnel to hang their now-deactivated key cards as ornaments. Elves escort the terminated out before entertainment arrives.

If Everyone Did Their Jobs Like the IRS

Students: Are you going to grade this test? Teacher: Heavens no! But I might in like twelve years. If I find out then that you got any answers wrong, you're going to jail.

CARTOON: Final Stages Of White House Employment

Trump GOP carousel. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Good Jobs For Bad Cops

Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.

If Other Professions Recruited Like Multi-Level Marketing Scams

If you’ve ever wanted to work in your pjs, set your own hours, and be the proud owner of your own business, I’d love to talk with you about becoming a stay-at-home mom. The hours are grueling and the opportunities to work literally never end...

Nine Quagmires You Can Only Understand If You Are a Teenage Worker Working at Edible Arrangements the Week Prior to Valentine’s Day

6)  You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.

Please Deliver This Request for Proposal by End of Week

My boss told me “deadline has the word ‘dead’ for a reason.” Help.

Online Job Posting For New Opening Of Head Coach at Cleveland Browns

Making words and combining them to create newer and better words! SUPER WORDS! Words like HARDLAND!!! BELIEVELAND!!! etc...

Seeking Entry Level Sidekick For Prominent Superhero

Qualifications: Able to handle quippy dialogue. Tragic backstory. Skilled with using Quickbooks Pro.

Weekly Horoscopes for the Unemployed

Aries Life is like a rose, always blooming or not blooming,…

In the Event One of the Kids Becomes Patient Zero, and Other Job Requirements at a Children’s Entertainment Franchise

We’ve been the source of quality family entertainment since…

Jobs Well-Suited For A Disillusioned Twenty-Something Office Worker

Headache Medicine Prescriber Arsonist Parachute Safety…

Talkward w/guest Andrew Collin

This episode of Talkward welcomes guest Andrew Collin! Andrew…

Thank You For Considering My Application To Be The Next Dalai Lama

Esteemed High Lamas and Lay Members of the Reincarnation Search…

New Career Plans For Ted Cruz

It looks like it's getting to be about that time. The time for…