Instead Of Committing Admissions Fraud, Please Donate To Our University Directly

Dear prospective students and family,


It has recently come to our attention that our peer institutions of higher learning have become embroiled in a widespread admissions fraud scandal. We wholeheartedly condemn this behavior and would like to say: Please stop committing fraud to ensure your child’s admission. Instead, please bribe us directly, through donations, gifts, and public appearances.


This appalling situation has shaken us to our core, and in troubled times we find it helpful to turn to the principles of our founding (150 years ago, by some old white guys). Those principles are thus: We will admit the child of any donor who builds us a new research facility for the study of shallow-water amoebae. Scientists are saying that the proteins of these creatures not only hold the key to an anti-aging breakthrough, they also hold the key to getting junior admitted into the College of Dramatic Weavings.


We are aware that third-party organizations have become involved in a scheme to falsify student identities and extracurriculars. This is — quite simply — a waste of money that could be easily donated to our university. Instead of paying off staff to position your child as an athletic recruit, please instead give a generous sum to our actual athletics department. We can tell your kids don’t play sports, no matter how many times you Photoshop their faces onto a rowing team.


As for the manipulation of standardized test scores: this is not only illegal, it is wholly unnecessary. Our admissions system will automatically register perfect SAT scores for relatives of any alumnus who finances an on-campus arts festival headlined by Shen Yun: 5000 Years Of Civilization Reborn. (We know there are a lot of acts out there, but we really want Shen Yun.)


Is this all sounding a bit out-of-budget? In lieu of embarking on a messy criminal enterprise, we might advise getting to know a member of the board of trustees. We have found that applicants with a board member’s letter of recommendation are ten times as likely to end up in a prestigious scholarship program than other applicants, allowing them unprecedented mentorship from our array of tired professors.


If you happen to be famous, please consider being a speaker at our commencement ceremony. We suggest taking advantage of this opportunity ASAP, because we’ve discovered it becomes very awkward when your own child is in the audience. Also, in the spirit of transparency: donating culturally significant personal effects to our archives will result in a 25% increase in your child’s grades throughout their time here.


In closing, we are taking a serious look inward during this bleak hour for higher education. As we pause to reflect, join us as we hold in our thoughts the true victims of this crime: the legacy students with mediocre test scores who would have otherwise been admitted.




Dean Of Admissions