Introducing: LinkedIn Dating

Here at LinkedIn, we are happy to announce that we’re expanding our mission to also make the world’s professionals a little less lonely with LinkedIn Dating. Here’s how it works:

 

STEP 1: ADD A DATING EXPERIENCE SECTION TO YOUR PROFILE

In addition to work experiences, education, and certificates, we have added a dating experience section where you can professionally peacock future lovers into hiring you into their hearts. Here’s an example of a dating experience section below:

 

Previous Employer: Jessica Crowley (2022-2022) – Orgasms Operations Officer

• Consistently Jessica’s top choice for 1AM Saturday drunk texts
• Performed a total of 120 minutes of cunnilingus over the course of 3 months resulting in 3 verified orgasms
• Position was made redundant by merger with Vibrator

 

Previous Employer: Andre Mastiffe (2015-2022) – VP of Fiancé

• Relocated across country to allow Andre to pursue musician dreams resulting in him having 4 paid gigs and 20 “exposure” gigs
• Supported Andre financially during this time, only throwing it in his face 3 times
• Promoted to wife track in 2021
• Resigned from position due to Andre being a cheating asshole

 

STEP 2: UPDATE YOUR SKILLS

Previously we only had professional skills like “PowerPoint” or “public speaking” that you could add to your profile. Now we have over thousands of skills that are important to romantic partnerships of all kinds:

 

• Forehead kisses
• Noticing and commenting on every haircut
• Giving directions from the passenger seat
• Ordering the best appetizers for the table
• Putting dishes in the dishwasher without being asked
• Listening to you complain without trying to find a solution
• An EQ level of at least a 12-year-old (“I’m sorry that happened to you,” “That sounds hard,” and “I didn’t realize that cheating on you with your hairdresser would ruin our relationship AND force you to find another hairdresser who specializes in curly hair.”)

 

 

STEP 3: CREATE A LISTING FOR THE ROLE YOU HAVE OPEN

After you have updated your profile, you may create an open role so that potential partners may apply. Here is an example listing for a boyfriend role:

 

Description

Gillian is a late twenties woman who is passionate about her family, friends, and loud karaoke. Her mission is to lead a happy, normal life. To be her boyfriend you must be willing to wear many hats. From Taylor Swift concerts to The Office reruns, you will be expected to perform a wide variety of tasks as boyfriend.

 

Responsibilities

• 7 “Good morning beautiful :)” texts per week
• Planning a minimum of 1 date a week
• Attending at least 50% of all family functions while only dissociating 60% of the time
• Satisfying sexual intercourse at least once a week even if it takes a while
• Killing the spider

 

Required Qualifications

• 3-5 years prior experience
• Experience with healthy conflict resolution
• Must be willing to travel 2-3 times a year
• Acts of service as love language
• Interest in the husband track

 

Preferred Qualifications

• 1-2 years minimum of therapy
• Liked by best friends an appropriate amount
• Does not refer to any ex as “crazy”
• Likes to be updated on all coworkers/friends/family gossip
• Not in a band regardless of quality level

 

Benefits

• Family planning support
• Opportunity to emotionally open up
• Opportunity to split rent if promoted to the husband track
• Opportunity to try new restaurants
• Someone to talk to at a wedding where you only know the groom
• Thoughtful gifts for your mother during the holidays
• Healthcare (popping back zits)

 

To apply, please share your LinkedIn profile.

 

 

STEP 4: SCHEDULE INTERVIEWS & HIRE YOUR TOP PICK

Once you’ve selected your top candidate, you may make them an offer and negotiate start date*, and benefits package. Additionally if you are just looking for a one night stand, try I’mEasyApply to fast track filling the position. Happy recruiting!

 

*LinkedIn is not responsible for candidate ghosting or breach of contract.