Best of 2022

NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though.


Hosted by agents-of-interpersonal-chaos Nick and Vanessa Lachey, this dating show will leave you with the impression it was clearly made up as production went along. Here’s how it will work:


First, you will rank each of the 25 contestants from 1 to 25, based on their apparent readiness for parenthood. Then, you will plummet into the sensory deprivation chamber for twelve hours, where you will be totally cut off from sunlight, sound, and reality itself. When you emerge from the chamber, you will be immediately bused to a group date at a carnival with your top 20 men, all of whom have been deprived of food and sleep for forty-eight hours. You will then ride a carousel 1,000 times and consequently have vertigo for the next two weeks of filming.


Next, you will choose your top 12, and give each of them a closed-mouth kiss on the top of the Ferris wheel. The bottom 8 contestants will be sent to the sharks (the island is surrounded by sharks). However, before they are sent to the sharks, they will be given the choice of reconnecting with their wives, who they came to the island with. If they would rather return home with their wives than be eaten alive by sharks, then they are allowed to do that.


Now, back in the sensory deprivation chamber you go, for many, many hours. But don’t worry! The chamber is monitored by our grossly underpaid production assistant, Neal, at all times. When you’re eventually let out of the chamber again, 6 of the men have been switched out for 6 different men. You must correctly guess which 6 were a part of the original 12. If you guess correctly, you get a $150 shopping spree on Rodeo Drive, Los Angeles – that’s right, where the celebrities shop!


You will then go on a date with your least favorite contestant, where you will be served food from The Medieval Ages. The contestant will have to call his estranged father and unpack years of pent-up resentment under the watchful eyes of the producers (and God and America). You are allowed to send him home after this date. You will now choose your final 8 men by whacking the rejects in the knees with a baseball bat.


Next, you must bring a contestant into the sensory deprivation chamber with you. You are not allowed to touch or talk in the chamber so that you may focus your energy solely on your shared trauma bond, which is a crucial part of all successful on-camera relationships. After a few days of submersion (with only short breaks for seltzer water and braised duck provided by Too Good To Go, served by Neal) the contestant must self-eliminate and return to The Army.


By now, one of the contestants has gone missing on the island, so this means you will only have 6 eligible men left when you partake in The Great Races. You must run up and down the beach until you pass out from exhaustion. Whoever lasts the longest is allowed to accompany you to your high school reunion. The two of you will be blindfolded, flown off the island, and then pushed out of a moving car into your old high school parking lot. Per your contract, you will show him off to all of your childhood friends, and then break up with him very publicly in the gymnasium before returning to the island, alone.


With just 5 contestants left, it is now your duty to have a hot, safe-for-Netflix makeout under the covers while monitored by a night-vision camera, then wake up to breakfast in bed before going back into the sensory deprivation chamber. This part takes about 30 weeks because they shoot the morning after scenes with the same expensive, complex film they use to shoot Euphoria.


Finally, you draw a name out of a hat to choose who you will Marriage, and then you draw another name out of a hat to see who you will Mortgage (put a down payment on a house using their bank details), and then you draw one last name out of a hat to determine who will be the next lead of Sex Fest Island. 


So, apply today for a chance* to find true love** in paradise.***


*0.000001% odds still technically counts as a “chance.”


**You may not find true love with another person on this show, but you definitely will not find self love, either. Or any form of love at all. You will, however, gain a couple thousand Instagram and TikTok followers. What’s more important here?


***The concept of paradise is subjective, but experts agree that weeks of near-constant submersion in a sensory deprivation chamber 9 meters underground is abject hell.