iPad Baby: You Don’t Get It, I Have to Give My Baby Constant Access to Content Designed to Be as Addictive as Possible Because Otherwise He Might Do Things.
Look, I understand what you’re saying. Like, yes, it does sound problematic that baby content was designed to be so overstimulating that the babies literally never look away. And, yes, I do get that it might seem troubling that my baby watches this content all day, every day. But the fact of the matter is, you’re not a parent, so you couldn’t possibly understand.
Like, if I take away the iPad, my baby might do things. He might try to put things in his mouth. He might babble. He might attempt to crawl or walk. He might grab my face. He might develop gross or fine motor skills!
Yes, I understand we’re in a fine dining establishment and all anyone can hear is the demonic-sounding babble coming from strange bouncing shapes that my baby is staring at with an open mouth. But if I take away the iPad, then my baby will be crawling all over the restaurant, actively tripping the waitresses. Yes, those are the only two options. Like I said, you’re not a parent, so you wouldn’t understand.
Plus, my baby watches educational videos. So, it’s actually better for him to watch them than for him to interact with others or to notice anything in the real world.
Sure, the algorithm sometimes feeds him absolutely horrifying content that gives him nightmares. But, a lot of the time, it teaches him about counting and letters.
Yes, the WHO recommends against baby screen time. But they simply don’t understand how hard it is to be a parent. When I take away my baby’s iPad, all he does is try to get my phone from me. And I’m obviously not going to limit my own screen time. I’m not a baby, am I?
Plus, it’s not like my baby is on the iPad all day. We just use it to get him to eat, to make him stop crying, to distract him from making a big mess with his toys, and to entertain him when he’s bored.
You know, it’s a digital world these days and I just don’t want my baby to fall behind. Letting him watch videos all day is definitely going to help to prepare him to be, like, a computer programmer or something.
Plus, I actually took away the iPad the other day. And you know what he did? He cried! You want me to make my baby cry? That’s really messed up. Like, who wants babies to cry? Not me! I spent minutes, entire minutes, trying to get him to stop crying before I was forced to give him the iPad back. I didn’t have a choice! His crying was annoying!
It’s easy for you to say to take away the iPad and eventually he’ll stop crying, but then what? You’re not the one who will have to follow him around when he starts crawling. You’re not the one who will have to listen to him babble. You’re not the one who will have to read him books- really boring books! You’re not the one who will have to clean up his toys. When my baby doesn’t have his iPad, he’s all over the place! He does all sorts of things! He explores his surroundings and learns about the world and it’s a real pain to keep up with him!
So, please, just let me enjoy my meal while my baby gets so distracted by his iPad that he forgets to eat.
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