Interview With This Year’s Presidentially Pardoned Turkey

Weekly Humorist: Hey, nice to see you. Congratulations on the huge victory! It’s Travis, right?

Travis Turkey: Hello! And yes, that’s right. Thank you for the nice words! It’s a huge relief, I can tell you.

Weekly Humorist: I’ll bet.

Travis Turkey: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful… but it’s really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn’t see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I’ve been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th.

Weekly Humorist: Oh, um…

Travis Turkey: So listen, this has been cool and all, but I really should get going. New lease on life, and all that. I’ve actually got a pretty full schedule; who woulda thunk it?

Weekly Humorist: Well that’s exciting! Big plans for the holiday, I guess?

Travis Turkey: Yes, lots of great stuff, lots of things needed to get the good work done! Later this afternoon I’ve got the Trump rally in rural Kentucky. They’re expecting a big turnout, so I can’t be running behind.

Weekly Humorist: The Trump Rally?

Travis Turkey: Yeah. I try to go to most of them. It can be tricky. Being a flightless bird and all that. Plus, my driver’s license has been taken away permanently, of course.

Weekly Humorist: Sure.

Travis Turkey: And I’ve seen you eyeballing these book filled shelves behind me…

Weekly Humorist: I had been noticing that! Very impressive collection, most of the classics. So you’re going to use your life extension to catch up on your reading?

Travis Turkey: Eh… not so much. We’ve got a big book burning planned for first thing tomorrow morning. This will be the first time that I feel comfortable being near a roaring fire, I can tell you that! But seriously, it should be a fun time. Hey, you should come by!

Weekly Humorist: Oh, no thanks.

Travis Turkey: Alright, suit yourself. Thanks for this, I guess. Arrest Biden, Stop The Steal!!

Weekly Humorist: But Biden was the one who pardoned… ah, never mind.