Sleepless in Seattle
Annie’s ears first begin to lust for Sam when she hears him speaking on a podcast, which Sam only went on as a favor to one of his buddies. To find out more about Sam, Annie doesn’t bother hiring a private investigator, she assumes the role herself by performing a simple Google search. The results quickly confirm the exact address of the Lake Union houseboat in which Sam resides, and more importantly, that Sam looks exactly like Tom Hanks. Even more smitten than before, Annie decides to bypass the whole elaborate Empire State Building meet-up, and just shows up at his home. Because they fall in love immediately upon meeting, Sam doesn’t find this act to be creepy or intrusive at all. He reveals to Annie that his sleeplessness is not over his deceased wife, but over how he will continue to afford the rising cost of living in Seattle, and the two of them decide to move to Austin together.
As Good As It Gets
Carol’s sick son’s health care remains as dismal as ever, and even Melvin’s willingness to pay for it is not enough to charm Carol into ignoring his homophobic, racist, and chauvinistic remarks. By contrast, Melvin finds Carol’s dismissive attitude and lack of understanding towards his very evident Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, to be a turn-off. They try their best to make it work, but the last straw is when Melvin suggests they go to the bakery, showing absolutely no regard for Carol’s ketogenic lifestyle. This relationship went absolutely nowhere.
As an environmentally-conscious LA eco-warrior, Cher would never dream of investing so much energy into getting her driver’s license, and she definitely wouldn’t be caught dead parading around in that environmentally offensive Jeep. She would also never be caught wearing anything that wasn’t from a clothing company that is both ethical and sustainable, so those Calvin Klein threads are a no-go. Cher’s post-graduation plans include growing her popular YouTube beauty channel that specializes in makeovers for educators. She doesn’t end up with Josh, mostly because #formerstepbrotherlove would probably produce some really bizarre effects on the algorithm of her Instagram page.
The ill-fated ship never ends up sailing because, well, COVID. Jack ended up just hanging out in Southampton continuing to make each day count, and playing card games that allowed him to maintain a safe social distance. Rose of course ends up married to Cal, but not without building a really impressive Pinterest board of wedding ideas first! It made for a really boring movie, but the ending is now unbelievably happy. 1,500 people got to live, and the marriage between Billy Zane and Kate Winslet produced some ridiculously good-looking children.
My Best Friend’s Wedding
After she discovers that all she really needed to become a respected food critic was a Yelp account, Julianne is horrified to be facing a lifetime of debt for her degree from Brown University that is essentially useless. Michael is an underpaid freelance sportswriter who isn’t completely sure whether he really loves Kim, or just the idea of being on her health insurance. In the end, Michael comes to the realization that he actually does love Kim, but since he also doesn’t want to lose Julianne, the three of them decide to give it a go as a throuple.
Miranda is skeptical after a Google search for a Euphegenia Doubtfire doesn’t even yield a LinkedIn page, but she assumes that it’s just because the woman is old-school, and hires her anyway. The run-by fruiting gets caught on camera and uploaded to YouTube, which leads to Daniel’s premature ousting when the throwing abilities of a supposedly elderly woman are called into question. Instead of a harsh admonishment in the courtroom, Daniel finally receives the praise he deserves for breaking gender norms, although both parties agree that the false teeth were a bit much. A sequel is made that finally reveals to audiences what exactly Pierce Brosnan saw in Sally Field, and Frank and Jack get married.
Silence of the Lambs
Clarice ends up getting the information that she needed, not from her meetings with Dr. Lecter, but from obsessively listening to tips from True Crime podcasts, and analyzing Reddit discussion boards. She locates Buffalo Bill in less than 72 hours, all thanks to the fine work of internet sleuths. Since she ends up not needing Dr. Lecter after all, the two of them spend their time together making dance videos for TikTok, and crafting tutorials on creative ways to obtain a facemask during a shortage. These can be located by searching their usernames FBI_Clarice91, and HannibalfavabeanLuvR.
Despite the actual alien craft hovering directly above them in plain view, an overwhelming majority of the population opts to dismiss the presence of the alien craft as “fake news.” The only exception is the flat-Earth community, which takes the threat very seriously, believing that the invasion has been orchestrated by NASA to completely destroy The Disc, and nix any further exposure of the truth. The United States lacks the selfless diplomacy of former fighter pilot president Bill Pullman, and instead their leader is a former draft-dodging Muppet Baby. Sensing the US president’s cowardice and under-developed cognition, the aliens zero in on this very apparent weakness and swiftly destroy him and his cabinet full of fellow childlike monster-puppets. In a pleasantly surprising twist of events, the aliens become the heroes of the day by saving America on Independence Day 2020, and Will Smith is shown finally enjoying that barbeque before fading to credits.
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Alissa King Peters is a school psychologist by day, and a humor writer mostly by accident. Her work has appeared in Little Old Lady Comedy, and the recycle bin of her computer. Follow her antics on Instagram @alissathing.