Ivanka Trump’s Reflections on Hanukkah and Flipping on Your Entire Family

The First Night

Hanukkah. The Festival of Lights. Ever since I discovered my Jewish identity, this holiday has held a special place in my heart. A time to spend with family. Sitting around the menorah, swapping stories and making sure they line up.

This year, in particular, Hanukkah has taken on a new personal meaning. The Jewish struggle—our struggle—has an even greater weight with me, as I live through my own trial of uncertainty.

Well, not trial, hopefully. Ernie assures me that’s probably off the table.

The Second Night

Giving and generosity have always been an integral part of who I am, but it’s something I don’t like to draw too much attention to, especially since Barbara Underwood subpoenaed the Trump Family Foundation.

I put a lot of thought into what I give each fellow traveler at my annual Hanukkah celebrations. For example, this year, I gave Avi, a former Mossad officer, a chance to explore a career as a bodyguard/enforcer in the private sector, here in America. He seems to be rising to the job, and Yahweh knows I could use the protection. How sad it is that, five thousand years later, us Jews are still a persecuted people. But just as we defeated the Babylonians, I’m confident that we will see a day when the deep state and their globalist agenda is no more.

The Third Night

Sometimes homemade gifts can be the most meaningful. This year, for instance, I sent Xi Jinping a booklet of homemade coupons. It’s cute and fun, and it shows how much I care. See, this one is good for one free trade talk.

I gave the same gift to daddy one year, but he crossed out all the ones I made and wrote in “free backrub” instead. He’s such a riot!

The Fourth Night

Survival runs deep in my people’s blood. It’s an instinct honed and passed down through millennia of surviving in the wilderness. A sixth sense that tells you what you have to do—who you have to join forces with—to make it through. In other words, Jared shouldn’t be surprised when the Special Counsel’s office calls his unlisted cell.

It breaks my heart to see the wave of anti-Semitism sweeping our beautiful country. It’s truly a mystery how it spreads, and it seems likely that it will always remain one, unless my attorney is incorrect and Corey Lewandowski has already turned over all of his files relating to targeted botnets operated out of Belarus.

The Fifth Night

Hanukkah is a great time to reflect on what roots us to who we are. Tradition. Family. I like to devote every night of the Festival of Lights to spending time with Jared and our lovely children. So, if anyone says they saw me exiting the Leibowitz & Leibowitz offices on 50th, they’re definitely lying.

The most important presents we can offer are those we give to our children. With eight nights, there’s plenty of time to find gifts to teach your children the lessons that have made you the woman you are. For example, you can put all of your property and liquid assets in your children’s names. They’ll learn personal responsibility, leadership, and how to set up a shell company in the Cayman Islands whose financial statements the Special Counsel’s office cannot obtain without a warrant.

The Sixth Night

I’ll never forget the awe, surprise, and wonder at my first Hanukkah, when Jared told me the story of the Maccabees, those terrible oppressors of the Chosen People, or at my second Hanukkah, when Maggie Haberman’s mom explained that the Maccabees are actually the good ones.

It’s part of human nature to want to know more. And when you think about it that way, is it really such a big deal to add a few more paragraphs to your proffer letter, if Ernie says that you know things that the DOJ would kill to get in writing? I mean, who am I to deny their curiosity? And Ernie assures me that Jared will probably be in solitary most of the time, where no one will be able to hurt him.

The Seventh Night

It’s important to remember those who have been kind to you. That’s why Jared and I sent Cy Vance a gorgeous set of decorative napkin holders. And it’s also why I gave Melania this lovely centerpiece my children and I made from old letters of intent regarding Trump Tower Baku. It just makes me so happy to know she’ll keep it forever.

Which makes it all the more touching to see how your kindness has resonated with others. Just last night, Avi gave me the most incredible introduction to an investment opportunity in the diamond business. Imagine my surprise to discover that someone I’ve only employed for two short weeks is a fellow gemstone entrepreneur! There’s no need to write Avi’s contact’s name down here, or anywhere else that could be potentially discoverable, so I sent myself a secure text via Signal. Thank god for those encrypted messaging apps.

The Eighth Night

A nice winter retreat to international waters is always a great way to get away from the meetings, phone calls, press inquiries, and FBI raids that plague everyday life.

I cherish the time I get to spend on vacations with those closest and dearest to me. Life is full of twists and turns, and you never know when it might be the last time you’re all together on Mohammed bin Salman’s yacht. It’s important to create special memories like these to fortify us as Jared embarks on his own journey. Which, like Samson wandering the desert, will probably take about 40 years to life.