J.D. Vance’s Inauguration Day Schedule
6:00am:
Wake up early and check Donald Trump’s social media feeds to see if he’s been mentioned. See that he has not, and, not that it matters, but Elon Musk has already been mentioned five times.
6:15am:
Walk his dog Atlas; promise not to eat Atlas like he ate his last dog.
6:30am:
Relax on well-worn couch while his wife Usha feeds and clothes her three young children.
7:00 am:
Celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day by searching all furniture store sales within a 50-mile radius for deals on new couches.
8:00am:
Check social media again, this time just for name in general, and find the 4,566,578th and 4,566,579th joke about him fucking a couch.
8:30am:
Start to wonder if there’s somewhere he needs to be; text buddy Donald Trump Jr. to casually ask when he’s planning to get there and if he can send the address again.
8:37am:
Receive forwarded Evite from Trump Jr. for inauguration. 1,186 people have already responded, beginning three months ago. Mike Pence is a “maybe.”
9:00am:
Rehearse speech about growing up middle class in suburban Ohio – wait no, poor in rural Kentucky – receiving an education funded by government assistance from the G.I. Bill – wait no, funded by his own grit alone – and rising to prominence due to being chosen as the puppet of a conservative billionaire – no wait, due to his appealing and relatable personality that in no way makes him historically unpopular.
9:15am:
Realize he should invite Usha so she can watch her kids during the ceremony. Forward her the Evite.
9:16am:
Receive instant response from Usha, saying that she already RSVP-ed “yes” like three months ago.
9:30am:
Do a bunch of jumping jacks for exercise. Also to be sure that, in case anyone happens to do them at one of the inaugural balls tonight, he can jump higher than Musk. Or whoever might do it.
10:15am:
Show up early to inauguration venue and realize he forgot ID. Go back to get it because no one recognizes him.
11:00am:
Return to venue with ID. Secret Service agent says “I thought the VP-elect was already here.” Musk walks by and whispers something in the agent’s ear. Agent says “oh sorry, come on in, Mr. Vant.”
11:01am:
Tell Secret Service agent that it’s actually “Vance.” Receive no response from agent.
12 – 1pm:
Smile for camera during entire inauguration ceremony, despite fact that only back of head is shown on TV, even during own swearing in.
1:00pm:
March in Inaugural Parade twelve feet behind Musk, feel totally fine about it.
2:00pm:
Realize after an hour of marching next to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and listening to his lengthy rant about how Band-aids are making Americans bisexual that Kennedy does not know who he is.
3:00pm:
Find an opening in Kennedy’s on-going monologue to re-introduce himself. Kennedy says that name “doesn’t ring a bell, sorry” and asks if he’s ever eaten raw polar bear meat.
4:00pm:
Proudly sit at the Theodore Roosevelt desk and announce first initiative as Vice President will be to make “MILF” the official pornography genre of America because it will make forced motherhood look more appealing, and also because Usha found that term in his internet search history last week and he told her it was just for a work thing.
7:00pm:
Attend all three Inaugural Balls, but somehow never at the same time as Trump.
11:00pm:
Text Trump, Trump Jr., and Kennedy to ask where the afterparty is. Receive no response.
11:10pm:
See Musk’s social media posts from an afterparty on what looks like a golden rocketship. Buzz Aldrin is there.
11:30pm:
Receive text from Usha asking about recent “cat lady pornography” search on iPad he forgot she has the password to.
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Meg Reid is a satirist and humor writer. She is a contributor at The Onion, McSweeney’s and Reductress. You can also find her work in Points in Case, Slackjaw, The Belladonna, and End of the Bench, among other publications. You can find her rants and ramblings on Twitter, Instagram, and Medium.
