Jerry Seinfeld Asks, “What’s The Deal With Masculinity?”

What is it with men these days? What’s going on there? Back when I was a kid, men used to go to war, now they go to “therapy.” That’s an interesting racket isn’t it? You pay a stranger 400 dollars to complain for an hour. It’s almost like it was specifically invented for women. Do they give you advice? No. Do they tell you how to fix your problems? No. What do they say?, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Here’s a tissue.”

Back in the day, nothing bothered a manly man. No, the only thing that bothered a manly man, were other manly men. Have you talked to one lately? It’s police brutality this and trans-visibility that. Men complain about everything now. What happened to the stoic, strong, shove-it-all-the-way-deep-down-and-forget-it type?

Men used to settle arguments with a duel to the death. They would pull out their pistols and see who could kill the other one first. Nowadays, the way men deal with conflict is by talking to each other. Have you seen this? They actually talk and listen and debate with one another. It’s obscene — go get a room!

Hell, even gay men used to be manly. Remember Rock Hudson? Now that was a man’s man. Sure, he was also a man to many men but he was suave, sophisticated, and tough. He even died manly — in secret, with no one around, and immediately cremated a couple hours later. Bing, bang, boom, done.

Life used to be much simpler. If your TV was acting up, you give it a little slap. If your kid was acting up, you give him a little slap. Your wife? That’s right — you give her a little slap. Have you tried fixing a TV lately? My god, the hoops you have to jump through. You dial 1 for English, you get put on hold, and by the time you finally get through you can’t understand a single word she’s trying to say. Next thing you know you’re divorced!

Men don’t even have second families anymore. There was a time when you couldn’t throw a rock without hitting some guy’s second family. Everything has flipped on its side. There’s women in the office and men in the kitchen. Men prefer cats over dogs and seltzers over beer. They ignore perfectly beautiful women on the street and even spend quality time with their children. Have they no shame?

Real men are a dying breed. If we want any hope for survival, we need to stick together. That’s why I propose a place where men could learn to be better versions of themselves. You know, a place where they could self-reflect and grow as men. A place to heal emotional wounds, while discovering new ones. What could that place be? Oh! I know — war!