Joey, Baby, How’s My Favorite President Doing?
Joey, baby, how’s my favorite president doing?
Woah, slow down. You’re working yourself up for nothing. I mean, yeah, the public perception of you has hit the rails a bit but you gotta trust me, once all this political stuff blows over, you’re gonna be back on top.
Look, I know you’re doubting yourself right now. You failed to codify Roe V. Wade, you couldn’t get all those student loans forgiven, and, of course, there’s that mess over in the Middle East but, baby, that’s all noise!
Can’t you see— you’re the name in Hollywood right now. Sure, in hindsight, running for a second term was probably a bad call but that’s why you have me on your team. I’m the guy that’s gonna make sure the world sees that Joseph R. Biden is the future, baby!
Are you kidding? Everyone loves a comeback story. Robert Downey Jr., Nicholas Cage, John Travolta. This is what I live for, baby. Who do you think slipped Aronofsky a copy of Encino Man? The second you turn that corner, they’ll be throwing flowers at your feet.
You’re not too old. Who’s been whispering in your ear, kid? Don’t you know you’re the next big thing. You’re the ticket. Your phone’s gonna be ringing off the hook.
Bad publicity? Please. This town has the memory of a goldfish. Sure, today, you’re that ineffectual president who struggled to communicate your administration’s achievements, while constantly appeasing to the Republican base in a misguided attempt to win over centrist voters—who, let’s be honest, were always going to vote for Trump anyway— all while alienating disillusioned democratic voters in the process, but tomorrow? Who knows? You could be the next host of the upcoming reboot of The Match Game!
Calm down, I’m not saying game shows gotta be your bag. My point is you’ve got the pick of the litter right now. Even Rogan’s people want a piece of the action. You just need to trust me, baby. You’ve got the look and I’ve got the connections.
Joey, baby, I swear. I don’t tell every client this. You’re my number one. What’s with you today?
Nobody’s been ducking your calls. We’re team Biden all the way, baby. You’re money.
Ugh. You’re really gonna make me say this? Alright. You want some real tough love? Here’s the big picture, baby. Your careers in the can. Maybe you had some bad people on your team that didn’t have your best interest at heart, I don’t know. The fact of the matter is, your now you’re unhireable. Normally, I’d tell you not to sweat the small stuff, but let’s be honest— we’re way past that, aren’t we?
I gotta jet, I’ve got Lin-Manuel Miranda on the other line. So, I guess this is goodbye, kid. You had your shot. You’ll land on your feet, I’m sure.
Call me if you sell something.
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Julien is a Los Angeles based comedy writer and video editor. His work has been featured on McSweeny’s Internet Tendency, American Bystander, Points in Case, & Slackjaw.
