Mr. Assad, We Find This One Specific Type Of Murder Unacceptable

Dear Mr. Assad,

We, the collected powers of France, the UK, and the USA, view the use of chemical weapons as a means of murdering innocent civilians to be unacceptable. This one specific type of murder is a red line that can not be crossed. We do not mind so much that you murder innocent civilians, but that you choose chemical weapons to do so. In the future, please stick to more traditional methods of killing. Any of the following are on our approved murder tool list:

  • Knives
  • Firearms
  • Explosives
  • Air strikes
  • Suffocation
  • Forced drowning
  • Starvation
  • Dehydration
  • Drone strikes
  • Torture
  • Death robots
  • Running people over with tanks
  • Unleashing a pack of rabid dogs
  • Unleashing a pack of rabid humans
  • Spiders
  • Experimental alien technology
  • Peanuts (for those allergic)
  • Allowing an enraged elephant to step on people
  • Teaching a gorilla sign language in order to convince people to commit suicide
  • Intentionally spreading diseases
  • Throwing bricks from a tall building while cackling manically and hoping for the best
  • Mopping the floor and not leaving a “Caution: Wet Floor” sign
  • Asking Vladimir Putin to kill them on your behalf
  • Inviting ISIS over for dinner
  • Throwing ninja stars
  • Bombs
  • Releasing a tumbleweed and ringing the town’s clocktower bell, hoping a standoff ensues
  • Employing vampires
  • Playing really spooky music on a full moon
  • Renting robots from the former Comedy Central show “BattleBots”
  • Throwing pennies from skyscrapers
  • Painting a crosswalk in a busy intersection with no traffic lights
  • Throwing a shark into the street just to see what happens
  • Or pretty much any other non-chemical method that you can think of

The following methods are unacceptable:

  • Chemical weapons
  • Probably nuclear weapons too

Many of these suggested methods you have employed. Many of them are ideas we’ve brainstormed in case you want to try something new that’s not a chemical weapon. Due to your usage of a weapon that is not on our approved murder tool list, you have forced our hand. We thus respond with targeted airstrikes against your chemical weapons facilities. We look forward to your cooperation in murdering your people in a way we find more palatable.

Kind regards,

USA, UK, France