Posts

Why Nikki Haley Is Only “Suspending” Her Campaign for President

She has 91 less criminal charges than Trump does. If by some miracle one of them actually lands him in jail she might then become the front runner. And more!

Diet Tips for Presidential Hopefuls

We’re body positive now, which means that I’m positive you need to make some body changes.

CARTOON: Storage Wars

Also let me know if you find me teeth. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins

Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels.

CARTOON: Bump Day

Hell of a decision. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

A New Round Of Russian Sanctions

MGM Studios will remaster Rocky IV by digitally replacing Ivan Drago with Jar Jar Binks, Siberia will now be called 'Other Alaska', Rubles are now worth .000095 of a shirt button, and more!

Welcome to the Manchin-Sinema Diner.  I’m Todd, and I’ll Be Your Stonewaller This Evening

See, the owners, Joe and Kyrsten, have a real vision for this place.  They want it to appear to be a fully functioning restaurant, and bring in as many desperate customers as possible.  At the same time, they’re working with a conglomerate based in Qatar that plans to raze this building to the ground and replace it with a parking lot that’s convenient to absolutely nothing. 

CARTOON: Post Trump Infrastructure Repair

Build it back stronger. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Ways to Make Presidents Day Special

Many ways to show you care. Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Dan Salomon.

Biden's First 100 Days in Office, According to Cookie Monster

Day 1: mr biden tell people cookie best diet Day 2: cookie monster have key to all cookie stores and factories Day 3: me (cookie monster) get promise to be cookie king.

Trump's Itinerary For The Day Of Biden's Inauguration

1:30 PM: Call Satan, see if the election loss and second impeachment means that I can get a refund on the whole selling-my-soul thing. And more.

Agatha Christie Heroine Responds to Trump's Attempted Coup by Taking an Ample Breakfast

Upon reading the news, in the East Chipping Gazette, that US President Donald Trump refused to concede the election – which he lost handily to Joseph R. Biden Jr in both the electoral and popular vote – British murder mystery ingenue Daphne Hammond closed the paper and asked Griselda to bring in a second poached egg, and sugar for the tea.

Daniel Tiger Loses A Presidential Election

DANIEL: I refuse to concede! Prince Wednesday, I need you to hold a press conference to announce that all of the votes were illegal and I'm president. Book a venue, get me the Doubletree. PRINCE WEDNESDAY: You got it, DT.

CARTOON: Just A Flesh Wound

I'll bite your ankles! Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

CARTOON: Soon

Stand by to re-inflate. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Other Ways to Describe the Election Right Now Besides “A Real Nail-Biter”

An authentic democracy strainer, A good ol’ fashioned hope chomper, An honest-to-goodness reason for cable news anchors to tap smartboards and say “What are we looking at?” when what we’re looking at is actually nothing, and more!

My Aunt’s Facebook Status Election Coverage

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate squirrels? I swear they’re taking over this country. Vote to keep out the squirrels! HAHA. I pepper spray them and they don’t even move.

CARTOON: Undecided

What's it going to be Harvey? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

The Most Reliable Alternatives to Mail-in Voting

Text your vote to American Idol. Host a ballot reveal party. And more!

Welcome to Deplorables: Portland’s First Alt-Right Craft Brewery

Deep State Dunkel: Enjoy the smooth malty flavor of this beer while you swap your favorite Obama conspiracy theories over a game of cornhole. Did he kill JFK? Probably!

CARTOON: Scariest Costume

Gave me chills. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

Mike Pence’s Fly Guy Guide to Style

Add a fly mask for some mystery!

Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First

Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate's microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.

Backstage At The Biden / Trump Presidential Debate

Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace's debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!

Weekly Humorist's Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening's debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

CARTOON: Leader?

Let's circle back. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Every Boat Counts

Just get in the F#cking boat. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

In These Fraught Times, We Need A President Who Will Unite The Nation With Honor, Integrity, And The Delicious Flavor Of Quiznos (SPONSORED CONTENT)

Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember... our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John's-flavored ineptitude.

If the Candidates Could Debate My Own Problems

On Facebook, the world continues to forge relationships with obnoxious emojis at the expense of human-to-human contact and Harrison Ford is co-starring with a dog that doesn’t exist. How will you as president rein in the world’s growing artifice and bring back actual life to this country?

The Democratic Candidates Ate The Plums That Were In The Icebox 

Warren, “Yes, I ate every single plum. And yes, I knew that you wanted to eat them for lunch. But hey, I’m human, and probably the first woman to eat them. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but what if I told you that I’ve got a plan to replenish them? What if I told you that eating them was a part of my plan all along?” 

Hollywood-Written Democratic Primary Call Scripts

Mayor Pete: Oof, wow! Mayor Pete? Why would I want a President who looks like a ventriloquist doll and a serial killer had a baby, am I right?!?

CARTOON: Vote Victrola!

Hop on the telegraph and spread the word! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Spider-Man's Other Deals

Spider-Man's Sony and Disney deal has failed, but that's not the only one.

Blistering Democratic Presidential Debate Clapbacks

"And we'd also like to thank Senator Sanders for being a champ and staying up past eight in order to attend these debates."

Thoughts on Choosing a 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Which Subway to Take Home at Night

Instead of going all the way, it's stopping somewhere in the middle. It's still running, but on a different platform than I expected. I don't feel safe with this choice after 11pm. And more!

Presidential Candidates Running On A Platform of Basically Just Charisma

A Man Who Just Rolled Up His Sleeves 2020, A Stranger in a Leather Jacket We Haven’t Seen Around Town Before 2020 and more.