Less Catchy Yet More Effective Derivatives of ‘MAGA’ to Lock Up the Election

MSDECA

Make Seats at Drinking Establishments Comfortable Again!

The radical owners who run these places, they’re doing horrible—horrible!—things: aluminum stools with no cushions, no backs, no footrests. Stools without any of that or the ability to swivel. You can’t even swivel, folks. Not good.

Do they really think looks are more important than comfort? That’s what it looks like. It does. But you can’t even ask that question without being called a “difficult customer.”

They keep telling me to move on, but I won’t, we won’t—not when you look at how badly this has harmed the going out experience. So badly. People come up to me—big, strong men—tears in their eyes from their bulging discs, their cramping hamstrings, and they say, “Sir! We can’t take it anymore. You have to take a stand against the bad seats.” And it’s true. We gotta get ’em out of there. Put ’em out back in the dumpsters with the rats, the vermin. Out! Get ’em out!

---

MWPSELTDA

Make Water at Professional Sporting Events Less than Three Dollars Again!

Big Water—Aquafina, Poland Spring, even the Dasani, can you believe it?—they’re in bed with sports.

Football, baseball, hockey, basketball—and, they say, apparently soccer, who knew—it’s everywhere. So vicious. They rub it in our faces when we go to the concessions and read the prices. “Five dollars and fifty cents.” Such nasty signs. They print them because they can. But it’s hydration interference, that’s what it is.

It’s a crooked industry, and boy do they hate us. They hate us when we sneak empty bottles through security and fill ’em up at the water fountains. They hate our bottles because the stuff they put out there—they can’t force it down our throats. And so we love the empty bottle. The beautiful bottle. It’s our right. So important. The price makers—these slimeballs—they don’t like it so much. Well, come and take it! That’s what we tell them. Come and take it!

---

MUPOHTPHA

Make Using the Phrase “One Hundred and Ten Percent” Humiliating Again!

Nobody thought this would get so popular, so big, after the first person said it. But now, tens of thousands—hundreds!—follow in their footsteps every year. Some, I assume, are good people. But they’re poisoning conversations across the country. They don’t like when I say that, but it’s true.

And you can’t even tell who says it just by looking at them. They blend right in. Casual, business casual, black tie—they take any form necessary. Could be the work of the Devil. That’s what I hear. The Devil.

Legally, we can’t yet put tape over their mouths. The law says we can’t, that’s what it says. Until we change it, we’re going to be setting up a hotline where you can report them immediately. Just like that, done. But you have to say something to their face, also. No more nodding your head and being nice about it. Can’t be nice. If we are, the numbers will go up and up and up. 120, 150 percent? Can’t have it. All the mathematicians agree with this.

---

MSTCAOWYGTMOA

Make Speed Trap Cameras Activate Only When You’re Going Ten or More Over Again!

You’ve been driving to work in your car, your truck—in some cases, a big truck—very easy. But then you get these tickets for speeding—speeding tickets!—in the mail. What the hell is going on?

They’re called speed trap cameras, and they got you. Got you a lot. Their censors—they punish you for what they’ve been told to think isn’t the right speed. 6 miles an hour over? Bam, ticket. Many such cases. But these censors don’t know the truth. You were just keeping up with the flow of traffic.

We have to be able to drive uncensored. Have to. Until we’re ten over. After that, okay. Fine. In the meantime, this is what is going to happen: all of those tickets will be paid for by me. We’ll be doing that in all the states. We’ll be doing Texas and Ohio and Iowa, and even states with not so good feelings toward “Trump.” We’ll be fair, unlike the cameras. They’ve looked down on the American driver for too long. Too long.

So mail in your tickets to Mar-a-Lago, the lovely Mar-a-Lago, where Melania will get to it shortly.