Posts

Why Nikki Haley Is Only “Suspending” Her Campaign for President

She has 91 less criminal charges than Trump does. If by some miracle one of them actually lands him in jail she might then become the front runner. And more!

How To Tell People You Voted Other Than An “I Voted” Sticker

Have sex. When you get to climax two minutes in, moan “I Voted!” Go to Starbucks and order your usual Pumpkin Spice Latte. When the barista asks for your name, say it’s “I Voted.” Post the photo of your cup, which says “Ivory Ted.” Get a real tattoo in your tramp stamp area that says “I Voted” And more!

CARTOON: Ballot Boxers

Suppression depression. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

I’m Bombarding You With Texts Before Election Day So You’ll Definitely Vote for Me

9:32 AM — Hi! I’m your state’s Republican candidate for Governor. I got your number from some voter registry list. Can I count on your support this Election Day? I’m texting you because I don’t trust the polls and figure if I slide into your phone without consent, you’ll definitely vote for me. 9:33 AM —If you want to opt out of these messages reply “STOP” and I’ll continue sending them to you.

Revised Lyrics to "Midnight Train to Georgia"

So, he called up some folks / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / And asked for thousands more votes / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / Scheming for a way to get back, to the life he once knew / Oh, yes he did, he said he would / Oh-oh, he’s cheating (Cheating)

Daniel Tiger Loses A Presidential Election

DANIEL: I refuse to concede! Prince Wednesday, I need you to hold a press conference to announce that all of the votes were illegal and I'm president. Book a venue, get me the Doubletree. PRINCE WEDNESDAY: You got it, DT.

CARTOON: Seedy Sources

Also President Trump is in amazing shape and smells tremendous. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Just A Flesh Wound

I'll bite your ankles! Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

CARTOON: Soon

Stand by to re-inflate. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Other Ways to Describe the Election Right Now Besides “A Real Nail-Biter”

An authentic democracy strainer, A good ol’ fashioned hope chomper, An honest-to-goodness reason for cable news anchors to tap smartboards and say “What are we looking at?” when what we’re looking at is actually nothing, and more!

My Aunt’s Facebook Status Election Coverage

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate squirrels? I swear they’re taking over this country. Vote to keep out the squirrels! HAHA. I pepper spray them and they don’t even move.

CARTOON: Undecided

What's it going to be Harvey? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

The Most Reliable Alternatives to Mail-in Voting

Text your vote to American Idol. Host a ballot reveal party. And more!

CARTOON: Scariest Costume

Gave me chills. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

Other Methods Of Keeping Trump In Line At The Debate

Stagehand frantically waving a double quarter-pounder with cheese from off camera if he begins to go on a maniacal tirade. Superglue Chapstick. Ejector seat / catapult. And more!

CARTOONS: Wet Results

Rock the Moat. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Scariest Decorations

Terrifying. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Steps To Deprogramming A Trump Follower

Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.

CARTOON: Fortune

NEED TO KNOW! Today's cartoon by Lila Ash.

Weekly Humorist's Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening's debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

CARTOON: Mitch's Simple Rules

Consistent government is our best chance. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Whodunit?

Need a clue? Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

CARTOON: Every Boat Counts

Just get in the F#cking boat. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

#DemocratDesserts

Cherry Pieden, Butter Emails, Bundtigieg Cake, and more #DemocratDesserts on this week's joke game!

My Name is Elizabeth Warren, and I Have a Plan to Destroy All of Them

Amy Klobuchar – Amy is smart, strong, and a real contender, which is why I look forward to our dance-off. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have the wiry energy of a coked-up greyhound and I will END her. 

Hollywood-Written Democratic Primary Call Scripts

Mayor Pete: Oof, wow! Mayor Pete? Why would I want a President who looks like a ventriloquist doll and a serial killer had a baby, am I right?!?

The Road To A Tom Steyer Presidency

STEP 11 -- America impeaches, in this order, Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, Mike Pompeo, and, for good measure, the next 9 people in line for presidential succession.

Thoughts on Choosing a 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Which Subway to Take Home at Night

Instead of going all the way, it's stopping somewhere in the middle. It's still running, but on a different platform than I expected. I don't feel safe with this choice after 11pm. And more!

CARTOON: Debatable

Debatable demo. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

CARTOON: Bottoms Up

Vote to save our livers! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Biden 2020

A strong whiff for Washington. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#ElectionHangoverCures

Ask for a recount of what you drank last night...Ugh, our head. What happened? Are we saved? Did we wake up from this political waking nightmare? NO! Just kidding! But we had some fun this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game!

Republicans to Physically Flip When Your State Flips Republican

Your Coworker Make sure to use both hands to physically flip Nancy, a known Trump acolyte, on your way to the break room. Her surprisingly unstable ergonomic chair won’t stand a chance against your leftist rage—much like immigrants seeking asylum won’t stand a chance against her xenophobia.

Ways To Painlessly Kill Time Until Election Results Are Available

Call your mom and let her tell you about what's been happening on Grey's Anatomy. See if David Hasselhoff will accept your Facebook friend request. And more.

CARTOON: Voter Turnout

When the best case scenario is the worst case scenario. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Why We’re Voting Red: Fairy Tale and Nursery Rhyme Characters Weigh in on the Midterm Elections

Grumpy Dwarf, 1035 yrs, Coal City, WV, Miner Coal is the future!

Thank You For Attending This Memorial Service, Please Vote On November 6th

  Thank you for joining us today at St. Ben’s as we honor…

Basic French for People That Want to Move There Now

Guys, France is safe from far-right nationalism!  This makes…

Real, Genuine Reasons Donald J. Trump Is Refusing To Release His Tax Returns

Accidentally spilled a two liter of Big Red soda onto the form,…

Potentially Delicious Items from the 2016 DNC Concession Menu

Hill-a-refried Beans $25.00 We in the food service industry…

Five Reactions from Those Who Met Saul Alinsky on the DNC Floor and Immediately Learned He's Been Dead Since 1972

It's been a real Who's Who on the floor of the Democratic National…

DNC Drinking Game!

Drink every time someone says that they are NOT Donald Trump Drink…

Tasty Items For Sale At The RNC Concession Stands

Trump Roast $74.50 Baloney. Lots and lots of roasted baloney.…