Life Recipes for Late Twentysomethings
The Work Presentation
Prep Time:
● Approximately 40 hours of typing, fermenting, and reconstituting
● Note: Do not rest for more than 4 hours during night before
Ingredients:
● 4 Large coffees, cold brewed
● 55 PowerPoint slides (remove the typos if serving guests)
● 1 Heaping spoonful of imposter syndrome
● 12 Outfit options, scattered across bedroom floor
● 1 Virtual meeting platform of your company’s choice
● Optional: 20mg Adderall, extended release
Directions:
Soak your stomach in coffee the entire morning until sentences blend smoothly. Grind through slides hoping that coworkers don’t notice you’re sweating profusely. Glaze over questions. Clarify via email soon afterwards that nobody was paying attention. Repeat until promoted, fired, or too burned out to care.
Related Recipe: The Quarter Life Crisis
Your Friend’s Wedding
Prep Time:
● At least 1 year of friendship (heartier results if longer)
Ingredients:
● $500 Minimum in airfare and lodging
● 1-3 Vacation days (can substitute sick days if low)
● Per taste: comfortable footwear for dancing or shoes you can easily take off
● 1 RSVP, late
● $50-500 Registry gifts, depending on desired strength of friendship
Directions:
Simmer through the ceremony while discreetly scrolling Twitter on your phone. Do not stir. During cocktail hour, make awkward small talk for at least 30 minutes, mixing at moderate speed. Fold in stories from high school or college. Drink or otherwise pickle yourself until willing to Cha Cha Slide. For added depth, smoke the couple up with marijuana outside the venue. Repeat monthly until you run out of ingredients or work up the courage to turn down invitations.
Related Recipe: Day-Long hangover
Day-Long Hangover
Prep Time:
● 1 evening of drinking (2-20 units of alcohol) left to settle overnight. Do not add water.
Ingredients:
● 200mg Excedrin, Rapid Release
● $30 McDonalds, from Doordash
● 2 Pinches malaise
● 1 Dash anxiety
● Optional: Cuddly pet or annoyed significant other
Directions:
Wake up cold, confused, and filled with regret. Leave ample time to rise. Add water consistently–too much at once will oversaturate. Infuse Excedrin in between painful realizations you can no longer drink without consequence. Whisk two McGriddles into your mouth while prone on your couch. Remember you have to work tomorrow.
The Quarter-life Crisis
Prep Time:
● 25-29 years
Ingredients:
● 1 Dozen gray hairs
● 6 High school or college classmates, pregnant or engaged
● $50,000 Balance of student loan debt you thought would be paid off or forgiven by now
● Sprinkled in thoughts of going to grad school (or back to grad school)
● 1 Looming 30th birthday
● Optional add-ins: 1 unexpected layoff or 1 brutal breakup
Directions:
Stew about how much your parents, siblings, or favorite musician had already accomplished by your age. Stir in the mirror after noticing the acne you still have is now joined by newly forming wrinkles. Steep in LinkedIn for at least one hour, hoping you get poached. For added potency, marinate in your thoughts of never being able to afford a house.
- About the Author
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Jus Kaplan is a writer based outside Boston, Massachusetts. He is editor-in-chief of The Boston Accent, a wicked serious New England satire publication. His words have appeared in McSweeney’s, The Hard Times, Hard Drive, Points In Case, WBUR, and The Atlantic, among other outlets.
- About the Author
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Mike Breger is an academic and humor writer based in California. His works have appeared in McSweeney’s, Western Tributaries, and Stanford Tangents, among other outlets.
