Morning Meditation for Flat Earthers
Good morning Flat Earthers. Let’s get started with some morning meditation. Close your eyes and picture the Earth as flat as a pancake. Take a deep breath through your nose and exhale through your mouth.
Repeat quietly in your mind, today is great, the Earth is flat, fuck Neil deGrasse Tyson.
As you breathe, you will begin to relax and your mind might begin to wander. It has probably wondered to the time Neil tweeted, “I hear that the flat-Earth movement may be gaining momentum all around the globe”.
Breathe slowly and deeply imagine Neil’s picture fastened flat on a dart board that is both a circle and flat, just like the Earth, and with each throw, breathe in and out. Repeat, “Not today Neil”.
You may feel a slight tingling as your thoughts of Neil spread throughout your body. The tingling might be a result of physics but you don’t believe in the established laws of physics. Focus instead on the comments you wrote on Neil’s StarTalk channel on YouTube. Rejoice in that tingling sensation that you are superior!
Take a deep breath through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Both are shaped in a circle while also being flat. Did you hear that Neil? If a circle can be flat so can the Earth, Neil!
Repeat quietly in your mind, I am a believer, the Earth is flat, astronauts and NASA are a giant hoax created by the government. Neil might have tweeted, “We have video from space of the rotating, spherical Earth. The Earth is round.” but we all know that these “videos” are part of the conspiracy. It’s called critical thinking, Neil!
Just be quietly aware in the back of your mind that with every breath you take your body and energy will continue to recharge as you take in Oxygen and release Carbon Dioxide. Enjoy the stillness of your mind and how you pick and choose which version of science works for you. Yes, the Earth is flat and the moon is round. That’s just science, Neil!
Now I want you to smile to yourself and pay attention to how that simple smile improves your overall morning mood. Try to keep that smile on your face, throughout the day as you take on “science”.
Repeat quietly in your mind, today is great, the Earth is flat, fuck Neil deGrasse Tyson!
Lauren is the Director of AdLib Theatre where she performs improv comedy weekly. She has been published in publications such as Points in Case, Robot Butt, The Belladonna Comedy, Weekly Humorist, and Slackjaw. You can learn more at www.laurenhasthree.com