Facebook Status: It’s Time To Purge My Friends’ List!

You know the drill if you haven’t given me enough likes, hearts, and replied when I posted about the predictive text challenge for what 80s inspired colored underwear I should wear next Tuesday, you are getting purged.

What’s that Samantha, you were busy living your life IRL? Go fuck yourself. This purge train is about to leave the station.


Worried about being shamed online for being unfriended or want to give it a last minute try and avoid being purged? Ugh, fine, whatever, here are some tips:


Make sure I’m first on your feed.

How will I know? Uh, I will know. Facebook tracks everything and I will personally go down to their headquarters, knock on the front door and force them to show me the data. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just ask your desperate coworker, the one who is scrambling to avoid being purged right now, to screenshot your feed that you left open on your desk when you went to refill your water bottle. Samantha, being eco-friendly doesn’t make you cool. It just makes it easier for me to purge you.


Don’t just like my posts, LOVE my posts.

I don’t want attention, I am attention. I have high standards and demand that my closest 3,535 friends give me that unearned attention. And no Samantha, loving my posts 79% of the time isn’t going to cut it. I track this shit. I upgraded my Airtable plan so, uh yeah, I’m aware of the % of the time you are hitting that “love” option.


Make comments on my posts about how positive and uplifting I am.

Sure I steal my quotes from other pages and secretly cry myself to sleep every night but that is beside the point. This is my brand after all and you WILL love me. I want it to be thoughtful responses too. Not just the same generic shit you tell your mom. Also, if you are going to use a GIF you must spend at least 22 minutes finding the right one.  Samantha, I swear you use the same GIF to respond to everything. Enough already. It’s as if you don’t even care about me.


Be of some use to me.

Yeah, at the end of the day, if you aren’t going to somehow get me into some club, a role on a hit TV show, or onto Broadway, then why the fuck are you and I friends? Don’t tell me to use LinkedIn for that shit either. LinkedIn is just the ugly girl Facebook let’s hang out with it to make Facebook look even hotter!


So there you have it. Avoid the purge and let’s be friends.


And no Samantha, being my bone marrow match and the fact you donated doesn’t mean you get an automatic pass on my purge rules! I think we all know what’s about to happen …